Monday, December 27, 2010


We all have our secrets, whether they are about ourselves or someone else.  Some secrets are easy to blurt out while others are too dark to even say out loud.  I have a secret that only those close to me know about.  It’s something so painful and so dark that I can’t even write about it.  It doesn’t affect me as much as it used to, but it’s something I will never forget and something I wish never would have happened.  It changed my life.  It changed the way I think about things and it changed me before I was even old enough to know who I was.

Those of you who read my blog and are close to me know what I’m talking about it.  If you feel like you are close to me and you don’t know then maybe I just haven’t had the chance to tell you or I’m just not quite ready.  There may also be a reason I haven’t told you and in that case I ask that you just leave it alone.  This is definitely not something you shout from the rooftop and if someone very close to me found out it would kill them. They would feel like it was their fault and I don’t want that kind of burden put on anyone.

I think that’s my only real secret.  I mean occasionally I try to hide the Fibromyalgia for a while when I meet new people, but it always comes out rather quickly.  I’m a pretty open person except for that one thing.  I don’t like to keep secrets, but sometimes you have to in order to protect those you love.  A part of me will never be the same because of it and I don’t want to do that to someone else.  It would just make it that much worse.

How many secrets do you have?  Are they ones that you would never tell or are they the kind that are hard to keep to yourself?

Sunday, December 26, 2010

The Stress of Christmas

I’ve had a wonderful Christmas and it’s not over yet for my family.  We’re getting together with my sister today and then my brother and his family on New Year’s Eve.  Everyone and their busy schedules makes it difficult for us to all get together at the same time, but at least we manage to at some point spend the holidays with all of the family.

Every year Christmas becomes more about work and stress rather than the reason we celebrate in the first place.  We all forget to relax and enjoy the real meaning of Christmas.  The cooking, cleaning, shopping and other preparations tend to make us dread the holidays rather than truly celebrate.  We look forward to it being over instead of wishing it would never end like we should.

It’s human nature I guess.  Even though it was a bit stressful cooking and over-exerting myself as I always do when it came down to opening presents with the family I felt like a little kid again.  It was such an awesome feeling and something that I needed more than anything with everything that has been going on. I had no worries and no stress for at least an hour.  Most of all even though most of my gifts were centered around the Fibro, for that hour I didn’t feel sick. I felt normal.  I felt happy.

I’m severely paying for all that now.  The pain is excruciating, but the handy dandy neck and shoulder massager my mom got me for Christmas really helps. I know that this is just another flare that I have to fight my way through.  Even though I want to give up, I know I can’t.  My goal for the New Year is to prove that I’m more than just a sick chick. I’m always going to have Fibromyalgia, but I’ll be damned if it’s ever going to have me.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Learning to be Just Me

I have finally accepted the fact that until I can make myself happy I cannot make someone else happy.  I have to live my life for me and not anyone else.  I have to focus on what I need to do to survive and stop worrying about finding someone who is going to love me and take care of me.  I need to learn to love and take care of myself or this misery I’m feeling now is never going to end.

I want him.  You know that one I talk about all the time. A part of me feels like I need him, but it’s just not right at the moment and I know it.  I can’t give him what he needs and he can’t give me what I need because I don’t even know what that is.  I don’t want to let go of him completely but I have to start focusing on my health and my career. I have to learn how to take care of myself.

This isn’t going to be easy, but I have to do it.  I can’t stay on this same path that I’ve been on all these years because it literally has gotten me nowhere.  It’s time people see what I’m really made of.  This is my new beginning and I know that I’m strong enough to do this.  It’s time for me to be…simply me.  I can’t hide behind anyone anymore.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

I'm Back and I'm Staying this Time

I’m actually writing again and I’m not talking about just updating my blogs.  I’m actually doing the research and write thing again. I submitted my first article yesterday since May.  I didn’t realize it had been that long.  I used to write at least an article a day and then I just quit. 

It kind of seems that after I got my diagnoses everything really slowed down for me.  All my time and energy went into learning about my illness so that I could at least get a little better.  I finally felt like I had the power to control some aspects of the way I was feeling.  It’s been almost17 months since I got my diagnosis and I’ve learned that Fibromyalgia is a very ugly word that I’m not too fond of, but alas it’s a part of my already oh so crazy life.  I’m still learning to deal with it and accept it.  It’s definitely a long process.

I’m planning on making a big comeback as far as my writing is concerned.  I’m not going to stop doing what I’ve loved doing since I learned how to do it.  This is my life and my dream and I won’t let anyone or anything stand in my way of that.  It’s time for me take control of my situation and do something with my life.  It’s time for me to be brilliant =).

I Don't Know if I'm Ready for This

I never realized I would be going through this so soon after leaving my husband, but I am.  I wasn’t looking to fall in love with anyone, but I think that’s what’s happening.  The only reason I say that I think, is because I’m still in denial.  I know exactly what I’m feeling and it scares the hell out of me. 

It’s so different with him.  It’s like I keep waiting for him to get mad and he never does. It’s been a while and I still get this goofy grin every time I hear his name and especially every time he calls or texts.  He always seems to say the right things and so far he accepts that I’m sick.  I guess that’s the biggest thing.  That’s the one thing I worry about.  I don’t know if it got to a more serious point if he could actually handle my illness.  It’s one thing to hear about it, but to actually witness the effects of it is a totally different story.  I guess only time will tell with that. 

Life is so funny.  It always seems to go from one extreme to another.  It drives me crazy, but keeps me entertained at the same time.  I guess that’s the way it’s supposed to be.  I hope everyone has a great Wednesday.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Still Awake =(

Well I’m still awake.  I could probably go to sleep now, but I have a million things to do so I’m going to push myself until I just can’t anymore.  I know, I know…that’s not exactly the healthiest thing for me to do, but I gotta do what I gotta do.  The Fibro is cooperating for the most part, which is very surprising considering the pain I was in this morning.  I’m still hurting, but it’s tolerable for the most part so all is well there.

I’m not really sure what brought on the insomnia again.  I’m not really sure why I still question the crazy occurrences that Fibromyalgia causes.  I should know by now that most of the time there is no rhyme or reason for the symptoms of this wicked illness.  That’s just the way it is and it frustrates the living hell out of me, but really what can I do?  Deal with it and live my life the best I can.  Yup that’s it….deal with it. 

I’m so exhausted.  Every part of me just wants to cuddle up in my blankets and crash, but I still feel like I need to get all this stuff done first.  I’m so tired though I don’t know if I’ll actually accomplish anything.  Oh well, maybe I will, maybe I won’t.  I’ll let you know in the next post.

I'm in Pain and I Refuse to be Negative

It’s almost 5:30am and I’ve been awake for over an hour.  The pain is excruciating.  I can’t think straight and I can barely function.  I’m guessing all this is a combination of my wild adventure over the weekend and the cold weather coming in.  Whatever the reason I’m not a very happy person right now.  Writing always seems to help me deal with everything that’s going on in my life.  Thank God for that.  If it wasn’t for that I would probably wouldn’t even write anymore and that’s just a sad thought. 

When I’m hurting like this I try to think of all the happy things in my life and not dwell on the the pain or the other frustrating symptoms of my illness.  I’m so blessed to have awesome parents who have helped me out so much, especially financially.  They don’t exactly understand and accept my illness, but that’s a work in progress.  I’m thankful for the rest of my family who always seem to be there at the right times.  I have to single out my oldest niece in this.  She drives me crazy sometimes, but that girl can make me laugh like no one else can and laughter is so important when you’re dealing with a chronic illness. My friends are awesome. They’re always there when I need them and they’re there when I don’t need them.  The ones that are really there for me know who they are.  One in particular has had to listen to a lot of complaining, bitching and crying over the years.  She’s the one that will call me when I’m in a bad flare and wake me up just to make sure I’m ok.  I wonder if she knows how much that means to me? Another one is a very new part of my life and he always knows the right thing to say when I’m feeling bad.  Sometimes I feel like he gets inside my head because he seems to say everything I want to hear and he has this awesome ability to make a really bad day turn into a good one.  Just thinking about him now has me smiling, but that’s a whole different story.

So anyway…To all the people in my life who are there for me and support me, Thank you!  I wouldn’t be alive today if it wasn’t for you.  You guys give me the strength to keep going, especially when I get to that point that I just want to give up. I love all of you bunches and bunches!

Monday, November 22, 2010

I Should Be Asleep...

This  probably isn’t the best time to write.  I’m exhausted, in pain and I’m feeling slightly delirious at this point, but oh well it’s my blog.  My awesome weekend has lead to another flare, but it was worth it.  The pain is unreal right now and we’re not even going to talk about the fibro fog.  I have no idea why I’m even still awake.  I just don’t want to feel like I’ve wasted the day.  Fibromyalgia tends to make me feel like I’m wasting my life away sometimes.  I feel out of control more and more now and it’s frustrating me.  I know I have to keep fighting, but sometimes it’s hard to when it feels like an endless battle.  Every day that I make it through gives me a little more strength and I just pray that’s enough strength to get me through the rest of my life.  Something has to change and know that change has to come from within me.  I can’t make the Fibro go away, but I can learn to co-exist with it and still be happy.  It won’t happen overnight, but it will happen.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

The Stress of Moving On

Today has been a very long day, but I survived it.  I’m so ready for bed, but I still have a million things to do so that I get ready for another long day tomorrow. Being single again has really been stressful, even more so than I had prepared myself for.  It seems like every day brings added stress and worry, but I know I can get through this and I still believe that I made the right decision when I ended my marriage.  I know that eventually things will become easier and that at some point I’ll be ready to move on completely and love again.  This time I’ll know that I can take care of myself and that I’m stronger than I ever thought I was.  This journey will be long, but I’m so excited for what the future holds.  True happiness awaits me and that gives me the hope, strength and courage I need to keep moving forward.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

This is Simply Me

I try to just be me…Cristina or as my friends and family call me…Tina.  The whole purpose of this blog was to be about me and my thoughts and ideas and whatnot.  As some of you know I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia months after I started this blog.  All of a sudden all my posts were about this invisible illness and the affect it has had on my life.  This wasn’t my intention when I started this, but life happens and this is what was created.

I don’t come here to complain about my pain and the other dreadful symptoms of my illness.  I come here to tell you what life is like for me.  Nothing I write is dramatic or over exaggerated.  It’s what I’m feeling at that moment I’m writing about it.  It may be happy, sad or even suicidal…but the bottom line is that it’s me.  Those of you who know me may find it hard to deal with.  You may not understand that when you saw me yesterday I seemed happy and well and why today I wrote about how much I wanted to die because the pain was too much to bear.  The simple truth is this is my life.  The last three days I wanted to die, but today I’m ok.  That’s the reality of my illness.  It changes that quick.  I don’t know when I’m going to feel really bad and I don’t know when I’m going to have a good day.  That’s just the way it is.

I appreciate everyone that has taken the time to read my thoughts.  I hope that my words have helped you in some way whether it be to understand yourself or someone else.  That’s why I do this.  I know there are others who feel the same way I do.  I’m not ashamed to put my life out there because it’s these experiences that have made me who I am.  This blog is and always will be Simply Me.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Who am I?

Who am I?  That’s a good question.  My outward appearance shows a healthy woman carrying a few extra pounds.  Some may view me as lazy because I don’t go out and I don’t appear as ambitious as they are.  While it seems that who I am is clear when you see me from afar, you have no idea because I ask myself everyday, who am I?

Those people who are quick to judge, only can see what’s happening on the outside.  They are oblivious to the battle taking place inside of me.  It’s Fibromyalgia versus me and it’s attacking me relentlessly, but yet I put a smile on my face and continue on with my day.  Everyone sees me when all is going well, but they don’t see when I cry myself to sleep.  They’re not there when I’m sitting and staring at my medication, wondering if I take it all can I make this all go away.  So who am I?  I’m still not sure, but Fibromyalgia is a part of me.

Eight years of marriage and now it’s all down the drain.  The struggle and the strife were suffered in vain.  The happiness and laughter left no idication of the trouble that would come.  He says he loves me.  What a joke.  Love doesn’t destroy, like he’s destroyed me.  I had my life figured out and now I have to start over.  I’m lost, confused and afraid.  Is this who I am?  I would like to believe not.

When I wake-up in the morning I try to put on smile on my face.  I take everything that is negative and I try to put a positive spin on it.  I hold my head up high even though sometimes I think it would be easier to die.  I love to laugh and have fun even though sometimes I get moody and want to be left alone.  I have a big heart and I love to love, but if you make me mad, you’ll see a whole different side of me.  I don’t get mad easy, but when I do it’s hard for me to calm down.  I’m crazy goofy and will say the weirdest, most random things.  Most of the time you won’t understand me, but this is all part of who I am.  I’m funny, complicated, insecure, happy, sad, crazy and I’m perfectly fine with that.  I am who I am and that’s all I can be.

Up's and Down's and the Patience to Deal with it All

My life has definitely had this roller coaster thing going on the last few months.  One minute I’m up and the next I’m down. I’ll be glad when everything is a little more stable so I can breathe for a little while.  I’m ready for so many things, but there are still a lot of road blocks in my way and it’s driving me crazy.  I know…patience is a virtue.  Unfortunately, this is a virtue that I don’t always have.  I try to just sit back and let things happen as they should, but sometimes I have to try to help them along and everything blows up in my face.  You think that at 30 years old I would learn just to chill but obviously not.  Oh well this is just a part of who I am I guess.

I’m finally learning to love me and I know that when I finally meet my real Mr. Right that I will be able to love him the way he deserves to be loved.  A part of me feels like I may have already found him, but I just have to be patient and see what happens.  It’s so hard, but like I said before if I push this it will blow up in my face so quit quick I won’t even realize what happened.  Only time will tell what the future holds so I just have to practice my patience and hope for the best.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

I Feel Accomplished!

Clean the house day was a big success!  I didn’t get everything done that I wanted to, but I accomplished way more than I could have ever imagined.  It’s been over a year since I was able to do as much as I did yesterday and it made me kind of emotional.  It’s those little reminders of who I used to be that get me through the bad times. 

Unfortunately, I feel like I’ve been hit by a very large truck.  My whole body hurts…even my fingernails, but at least I can look around and feel accomplished.  That’s the important part.  The pain will eventually ease up a little.  This is all part of my new start…my new beginning.  I’m feeling strong again and I’m ready to move forward a little more.  These baby steps will set me free.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

It's Time to Clean!

It is officially clean the house day!  My house will be clean by the end of the day inside and out.  I’m so tired of the mess.  I hope my body cooperates with me so that I can get everything done.  It’s been so long since I’ve been able to deep clean the way I’d like to.  I’m a clean freak with Fibromyalgia.  That’s a bad combination.  I get so frustrated when my house is a mess.  There have been so many times that I’ve just sat here and cried because I wanted to clean so bad and I just couldn’t function.  I’m not lazy.  I’m trapped in a body that can longer function the way it’s supposed to. 

Today is my day to prove to everyone that even though I’m sick I can still do what needs to be done.  I’m not sure how I’m going to feel tomorrow, but I need to get this done.  I know my house isn’t that messy, but for me it’s horrible.  So wish me luck and hopefully I’ll still be able to get out of bed tomorrow or I’m in big trouble!

Monday, November 1, 2010

What I Want...What I Need...Who the Hell Knows

I don’t want to be in this place I’m in now, and I know that I’m the only one who can change that.  I’ve cried more in the last few months than I’ve ever cried before.  I didn’t ask for this.  This wasn’t supposed to happen to me, but it has and now my only choices are to give up or keep going.  I’ve chosen to keep going.

I don’t know how I’m going to do this, but I know that one day at a time I will find my way out of this hole.  I want to be able to support myself without worry.  I want to truly love myself so that I know beyond any doubt that I can love someone else.  More than anything I just want to be happy and I won’t stop fighting until happiness is the foundation of my life.

It’s funny because I met this guy and I’m denying that love is involved in the equation, but wow I have some really strong feelings for him.  I wasn’t expecting it and I sure wasn’t looking for it.  My first reaction was to want it all.  I wanted to be his girlfriend and everything.  Then I was like oh yea I’m still married and I have a whole lot of baggage to deal with.  With any luck I didn’t push him away with my craziness and maybe later on when we’re both in a better place there might be something there.

I’m trying to work through what I want and what I need and it can get a little confusing.  Hopefully eventually I’ll be standing on slightly more solid ground and I’ll have breathing room. Until then I just have to keep on keeping on and have Faith that I will get through this mess. 

Friday, October 22, 2010

A New Journey to Happiness

I’ve been separated from my husband for about two months now.  I have no idea how the whole divorce thing is going to go, but I’m ready to get it over with.  Considering he already has a girlfriend, it should be an easy process.  I’m hoping anyway. 

I’ve talked to a few guys since the split, but one in particular has really stood out to me and I’m not sure exactly why.  I mean he’s cute, he has an awesome personality and he’s easy to talk to, but there’s something else that’s there that’s just different and I haven’t figured it out yet.  I’m not sure where this is going to go, but I have a feeling that it’s going to be fun while it lasts. 

It’s been so long since I’ve been truly happy so this has been nice.  When I wake up in the morning I have so many reasons to smile now and one of those reasons include this cutie that has definitely gotten my attention.  So as I continue on another new journey, I know that strength and courage are imperative, because this road will be long and hard, but I also know that the happiness I’ve always dreamed of awaits me. 

Thursday, October 21, 2010

True Happiness

This has been a stressful week and I’m in another flare, but other than that it hasn’t been too bad.  I’m grateful for all the blessings in my life.  When things are going bad, you have to remember all the good that has happened too.  Sometimes it seems easier to focus on the bad and dwell on all the uncertainty in your life, but that’s not the way to happiness.  Even if there has only been very little good in your life, focus on it and never forget it.  Hold on to it as if you’ll die if you don’t.  It’s only then that you will find true happiness.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Destination Happiness

So I woke up today and realized that I don’t have enough money to pay the bills.  I’ve missed three days of work because of the Fibro and another issue and so now I need about a hundred dollars by the 15th.  If I write non-stop for the next two days I still don’t think I would make enough.  Not to mention that I don’t think there is any way possible that I could actually sit for that long. 

I know that everything will work out because it always does, but it gets extremely stressful which is really hard on me because of the Fibromyalgia.  I know we’ve all been in this place before.  Life is hard to deal with it as it is, but when you throw Fibro or any other chronic illness into the mix things get really hard.  We often learn the hard way how strong we really are and how much we can handle if we can just keep pushing on.  We often get pushed to the limit and some of us are able to continue on while for some of us it’s just too much and the decision is made to leave this world.

The only thing I can do is put my big girl panties on, suck it up and keep pushing forward.  I’m not ready to give up yet.  There’s still too much I want to do and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let this jacked up illness stand in my way.  The bills will get paid somehow and I’ll be back on track…destination happiness.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Fibromyalgia Skeptics

This may sound a little bitchy, but it's been a very long 3 weeks and the pain is excruciating.  There have been too many people in my life these past few weeks who have expected me to respect their feelings when they don't want to respect mine.  They want me to except their faults when they refuse to except mine and the one that hurts the most is that there are way too many people in my life who can't accept that I'm sick. So I apologize in advance for the following rant, but I have to get my feelings out some way.

To all the Fibromyalgia skeptics who refuse to try to understand: If you don’t like what I do or how I live my life get over it.  You have no idea what it’s like to be me.  You have no idea how it feels to not be able to remember what it feels like to not be in pain.  You don’t know what it feels like to watch the person you used to be fade away. When you’re sick and in constant pain your priorities change. I used to worry myself sick on how to pay the bills and even about how others perceived me.  Now I worry about if I’m going to be able to walk in the morning or if I’m going to be puking all day again.  The bills will get paid eventually and if you don’t like me you can kiss my ass because I don’t have the time or energy to mess with you. What used to be important doesn’t matter anymore and I understand that those who aren’t sick don’t understand this.  See it’s all about understanding.  I’ll try to understand you as long as you try to understand me.  It’s as simple as that.

 To all my family and friends who think that I’m not trying hard enough to do something with my life: All my energy goes into trying to survive my illness.  Remember I didn’t choose to be sick and no one hates it more than me. I get overwhelmed so easy and when I get overwhelmed I can’t function at all.  It’s all part of my illness.  I’m slowly learning how to deal with this so please be patient with me.  My goal in life has always been to make all of you proud, but even that’s changed now.  My goal in life is to be happy and to completely get rid of that urge to die.  It’s still there and it gets a little stronger every time you knock me down and act like my illness isn’t a big deal.  So if you want me to succeed then try supporting me.  Don’t talk about me behind my back and most of all learn a little about my illness. I’ve been very tolerant of all the eye-rolling and smart remarks, but no more.  I have to look out for me because it’s obvious no one else is.  If you don’t like it I’m sorry, but know that if you were in my place you would do the same thing. 

Slowly Moving Forward

What do I want to do with my life?  Hell I have absolutely no idea.  That’s pretty sad considering I’m 30 years old, but oh well I figure it will come to me at some point.  I mean I do have a few ideas.  It’s just -basically taking the time to focus on one and make it happen.  Oh yeah then I have to get my broken body and mind to cooperate.  Speaking of which, the pain has been insane for the last 3 weeks.  My mental clarity has been a little better since I quit taking the Neurontin.  I guess it’s basically back to what it was before I started any of the medications, which isn’t very good, but still better than what the Neurontin did to me.  It’s always one step forward and two steps back. Oh well living with any chronic illness isn’t easy and it’s never going to be so sometimes you just got to suck and up and keep moving forward.  I’m moving a lot slower than I want to, but I’m still moving forward and that’s all that matters.  I’ll figure out my life in time.  I may be 80, but I’ll figure it out. 

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Single Again at 30...I Hope I'm Ready for this

It’s hard learning to be single again after being with someone for 9 years.  I was only 21 when I met my husband.  We got married when I was 22 and I thought we were going to live happily ever after.  Now I feel like my entire life has been turned upside down.  How do you say that you’re in love with someone and then cheat.  Obviously there’s something missing if you feel the need to get it from somewhere else.  I can’t forgive him and I know I’ll never forget it.  It wasn’t just cheating.  He lied and made me look like a fool in front of so many people.   How is that love?

I never thought I would be single again at 30.  I’m scared and then on top of everything I still have the Fibromyalgia to deal with too.  It’s so hard to concentrate on taking care of myself with all this going on, but I know I have to.  This all makes me so angry.  It’s not fair and I want my old life back, but I can’t get passed him cheating on me.  I’ll never be able to take him back.  I can’t live with my life with someone who I can’t trust and I’ll never be able to trust him again.

So here I am.  I'm 30, I have a chronic illness and I'm single again.  Who knew my life would end up like this?

Life-Changing Decisions...I've Never Been More Scared in My Life

Life can change in the blink of any eye and it will either make you or break you.  No matter how much you try to prepare for life changes you are never prepared enough for the side effects of those changes.

I’ve recently made a huge life-changing decision and the last 4 weeks have been the hardest weeks of my life.  The next few posts will deal with more of the details of what happened.

I’m terrified, but I know that I made the right decision.  Sometimes you have to do things that break your heart in order to enter the next phase of your life.  Life isn’t easy and no matter how hard you try to make it that way it will never day.  Every day presents a new challenge and if you don’t watch it those challenges can wear you down until you find yourself on your knees unable to keep fighting.

I’m living my life day by day now and the future is hard to focus on.  I have faith that better, much happier days are on the way and that’s what I concentrate on.  My life is centered on happiness right now, not on the bills or my illness.  Nothing else matters, but happiness. 

I will try to update often about my situation as often as possible.  The road I’m on now will be long, but hopefully I’m finally heading in the right direction.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Life Changes and New Beginnings

Life can change in the blink of any eye and it will either make you or break you.  No matter how much you try to prepare for life changes you are never prepared enough for the side effects of those changes.

I’ve recently made a huge life-changing decision and the last few days have been some of the hardest days of my life.  I’m not ready to go into detail about this change in my life, but I will later on when I’m more emotionally capable of talking about it. 

I’m terrified, but I know that I made the right decision.  Sometimes you have to do things that break your heart in order to enter the next phase of your life.  Life isn’t easy and no matter how hard you try to make it that way it will never be.  Every day presents a new challenge and if you don’t watch it those challenges can wear you down until you find yourself on your knees unable to keep fighting.

I’m living my life day by day now and the future is hard to focus on.  I have faith that better, much happier days are on the way and that’s what I concentrate on.  My life is centered on happiness right now, not on the bills or my illness.  Nothing else matters, but happiness.  

I will try to update as often as possible about my situation.  The road I’m on now will be long, but hopefully I’m finally heading in the right direction.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Another Flare...

It’s one of those days again.  I thought I was doing good, but I’ve been hit by another flare.  My mouth, teeth, throat and left ear hurts.  I can’t see right out of my left eye and I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck and dragged a few 100 feet.  Other than that I guess I’m doing just fine!

Did I mention that I’m extremely cranky?  I wish I could just go sleep until this passes.  I’m so tired.  I’m tired of being sick and I’m just physically and emotionally tired.  This illness is so unpredictable.  I’ll wake up absolutely fine and an hour or two later I may be in excruciating pain.  It’s so frustrating!

I’ve said it before and even during flares I am still thankful I have Fibromyalgia.  I just have a feeling that I would be a selfish bitch if I wasn’t sick.  My illness has taught me a lot about compassion for other people and what they’re going through.  It’s taught me not to make a big deal over little problems and it’s taught me that I am a strong person even when I don’t feel like I am. 

Days like today I may say that I hate this shit and that I can’t take being sick anymore, but I know that days like this will pass.  I’m just going to try to rest and relax today and maybe tomorrow will be the day that I hoped for today.  

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Fibromyalgia and Stress

I think that in a perfect world a person with Fibromyalgia could control their symptoms  with ease.  I believe that stress is the biggest trigger of Fibromyalgia symptoms and if it wasn’t for stress I would have a lot more days with minimal pain.

Unfortunately as an adult you have to deal with a lot of shit.  (I do apologize for my unwillingness to censor my words today.)  There is always something that wants to wreak havoc on your life.  To all those who act like their lives are 100% perfect-who are you trying to fool?  Why do you try to make your life sound like a fairy tale when you know it’s a soap opera just like everyone else’s.  

We all are faced with stress and if you don’t have Fibromyalgia you can usually make it through a stressful situation without too many battle scars.  For those of us with Fibromyalgia it’s a little different.  Okay so maybe it’s a lot different.  Our bodies cannot handle physical or emotional stress…at all.  So basically those of us with Fibro have some really screwed up wiring. 

I got a little over ambitious one day and exercised a little more than I should have and actually started running a fever.  Not to mention there was a substantial increase in pain and all the other wonderful Fibro symptoms for about 2 days afterwards.  I’m not saying we shouldn’t exercise either.  Although I hate that word I will admit that’s it’s the best thing we can do to control this beast.  It’s just important not to overdo it. Yoga and Pilates are awesome and they definitely help with emotional stress.

As far as emotional stress goes I’ve dealt with the effects of that a million times.  I get to the point where I just shut down.  The bills are late, everyone needs me to do this and that, I’m in a flare again, the house is a mess and I don’t have the energy to do anything about it, and the list goes on and on.  It piles on until I can’t function anymore.  Sometimes it gets to the point where I just go to bed.  I love it when people tell me that I need to learn how to handle stressful situations better.  If my body wasn’t all jacked up then maybe I could. 

We’re never going to live in a perfect world without stress and all those other things that drive us crazy so it’s all about getting use to it and learning to deal with it in the best way we know how.  We all deal differently.  Some days I’m so tempted to run down the street naked and screaming, but I don’t think that would be good for anyone. 

Stress sucks, but if we didn’t have it how would we occupy our days?

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Late Night with Fibromyalgia

It’s after midnight and I should be asleep, but I’m not.  The pain is almost unbearable.  I just want to take my entire rib cage out and hang it on the wall, so that maybe I can get some relief.  I think I have a pretty good idea of how it might feel to be hit in the ribs with a baseball bat.  It hurts to breathe…to move. I just need to sleep.  I have to wake up early and I really don’t have time for this.  I never have time for this, but it always seems to force its way into my life.  I can’t turn it off.  I can’t pretend it doesn’t exist.  I can’t escape from this monster called Fibromyalgia.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

I'm Just Me...with Fibromyalgia

This is definitely a Fibro kind of day.  I have no energy and I feel like an elephant is sitting on me.  I’ve been trying to get some stuff done around the house, but it’s pointless.  I’m more than ready for bed, but I know that when I get there I won’t be able to sleep.  I hate days like this.  When you can’t do anything it gives you too much time to think and when you have too much time to think the day usually doesn’t end well. 

I know I’m suppose to get use to this new life with this freaking illness, but I can’t stop thinking about how things would be if I wasn’t sick.  What kind of job would I have?  Would I have kids?  Would I have written my first children’s book yet?  Would I be the person everyone wishes I were? These questions and more run through my head on a daily basis.

Another thing I wonder about is if my life would be any different if I was diagnosed 20  years ago.  I’m  a strong believer  in everything happening for a reason, but I still have to wonder.  If I could be blessed with a week of no symptoms that would be all I ever asked for.  I’ve had chronic pain since I was 10 years old, so it’s so hard for me to remember what it feels like not to be in pain.  I just want to remember.  I just want that one chance to be me without all these annoying symptoms slowing me down. 

Maybe someday they’ll find a cure for all this insanity.  Until then, I’m just me…with Fibromyalgia.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

So Very Sleepy...

I have concluded that Neurontin plus Amitriptyline equals a very sleepy Tina.  This is driving me crazy.  There are so many things I need to do, but I can’t find the energy to do them.  At this point, I can’t even focus to write.  I guess the good thing is that the pain isn’t too bad right now, so at least the meds are working to some extent, but damn. 

I’m going to take a deep breath now and try to get the dishes done, so I can say I accomplished something for the day.  Hope everyone is having a good day!  Gentle hugs to all my Fibro friends!

Tuesday, May 25, 2010


Today was better.  I actually managed to get some laundry done and I’m almost done with the dishes.  The rest of the house is still a work in progress, but I feel better knowing that I’ve at least accomplished something. 

When I woke up this morning, things didn’t look too promising.  The weather here is hot and extremely humid and I’m hurting a lot more than usual.  I was exhausted as soon as I got up and this made me quite bitchy.  It’s frustrating when you sleep all night only to wake up and feel like you’ve never been to sleep, but I made myself get dressed and do the whole makeup and hair thing anyway.  I got out of the house for a little while and I started feeling better.

I can’t really say that I’m still feeling better, but I had a few good hours so I’m not complaining.  I cherish the time that I actually feel like a normal person.  Even if it only lasts an hour it’s enough to give me the feeling that I have some control over this demon.  Whether I actually do or not doesn’t really matter…it’s all in the attitude.

Hope everyone has had a great day!

Monday, May 24, 2010

What a Bad Day!

Today has been pretty bad.  It’s just been one of those days where my whole body has gone haywire and the pain…well let’s not talk about the pain. I finally gave up around 3:30 this afternoon and took a 3-hour nap.  I usually don’t give in like that, but on days like today it just wasn’t a choice.  I still don’t feel right, but at least I’m able to function a little.

I’m not a big fan of days like this.  There’s nothing like a constant reminder of how sick I am and how my life is never going to be my own anymore.  Hopefully tomorrow will be better, so I can get out of this mood.  I know that my bad mood doesn’t help the situation, but sometimes I just can’t help it.

Another thing that has me down is that I’m falling every time I turn around.  I either lose my balance or my legs feel like they turn to jello.  It started out kind of funny, but now it’s just getting ridiculous.  I just fell about an hour ago.  I got up from the chair and down I went.  It’s so frustrating.  

Anyways…tomorrow is a new day and if it can be just a little better than today, then I’ll be a happy camper.  Hope all is well with my friends!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Letter to "Normals"

Almost every day I bookmark something on Fibromyalgia. Learning as much as I can about it, helps me to cope with being sick. One of the first things I found while searching for information on Fibromyalgia was the letter to “normals”. There are several different letters, but this one is my favorite. I wish I could express my thoughts on this illness as well as this author did.

There are the things I would like you to understand before you judge me...

Please know that being sick doesn't mean I'm not human. I may spend most of my day flat on my back and I might not seem like great company, but I'm still me stuck inside this body. I worry about school, work, family and friends and I'd still like to hear about yours.

Please understand the difference between "happy" and "healthy". When you've got the flu you probably feel miserable but it will pass. I've been sick for for so long that I can't afford to be miserable all the time, in fact I work hard at not being miserable. So if I sound happy, it means that I'm happy, it does not mean that I am well. I may be in pain and sicker than ever.

Please, don't say, "Oh, you're sounding better!".
I am not sounding better, I am sounding happy. If you want to comment on that, you're welcome.

Please understand that being able to stand up for five minutes, doesn't mean that I can stand ten minutes, or an hour. It's likely that five minutes has exhausted my resources and I'll need to recover - imagine an athlete after a race. They couldn't repeat that feat right away either. With a lot of diseases you're either paralyzed or you can move, but with Fibromyalgia it gets more confusing.

Please repeat the above paragraph substituting, "sitting up", "walking", "thinking", "being sociable" and so on ... it applies to everything. That's what a fatigue-based illness does to you.

Please understand that chronic illnesses are variable. It's quite possible (for me, it's common) that one day I am able to walk to the park and back, and the next I'll struggle to reach the kitchen.

Please don't attack me when I'm ill by saying, "But you did it before!".
If you want me to do something, ask if I can and I'll tell you. In a similar vein, I may need to cancel an invitation at the last minute, if this happens please don't take it personally.

Please understand that "getting out and doing things" does not make me feel better, and can often make me worse. Fibromyalgia may cause secondary depression (wouldn't you get depressed if you were no longer able to participate in life?) but it is not caused by depression. Telling me that I need exercise is not appreciated or correct - if I could do it, I would.

Please understand that if I say I have to sit down/lie down/take these pills now, that I do have to do it right now - it can't be put off or forgotten just because I'm doing something. Fibromyalgia does not forgive.

Please understand that I can't spend all of my energy trying to get well. With a short-term illness like the flu, you can afford to put life on hold for a week or two while you get well. But part of having a chronic illness is coming to the realization that you have to spend some energy on having a life now. This doesn't mean I'm not trying to get better. It doesn't mean I've given up. It's just how life is when you're dealing with a chronic illness.

If you want to suggest a cure, please don't. It's not because I don't appreciate the thought, and it's not because I don't want to get well. It's because every one of my friends has already suggested every theory known to man. I tried them all, but quickly realized I was using up so much energy trying new treatments I was making myself sicker, not better. If there was something that cured Fibromyalgia, all of us would know about it by now.

If you read this and still want to suggest a cure, submit it in writing but don't expect me to rush out and try it. If it is something new, with merit, I'll discuss it with my doctor.

Please understand that getting better can be a slow process. Fibromyalgia entails numerous symptoms and it can take a long time to sort them all out.

I depend on you - people who are not sick for many things but most importantly, I need you to understand me.

The above text may be printed freely, and shared as needed providing all content is kept intact. No other person shall ever publish this work citing themselves as the author.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Promoting Positive Change

This week has been a trying one.  I’ve been hit with one thing after another and on top of all that I’m in the middle of a very bad Fibro flare.  Life can be so full of unpleasant things.  People lie, promises are broken and you’re always left wondering what the hell to believe.  I guess life is life though.  We can bitch and complain or we can find ways to improve it.  That’s easier said than done, but it can be done…so I’ve heard.  I haven’t quite got to that point yet.  My life consists of a lot of bitching and even more complaining.  I’m not perfect and I don’t try present myself to be! 

My goal for the next few days is to do a little less bitching and a little more improving.  My life is in desperate need of a positive change.  What are some things you do to promote a positive change in your life?

Friday, April 30, 2010

What Makes You Angry?

I need to be working whether it be cleaning my house or writing an article, but I’m in pain and it has reached the excruciating point.  Not a day goes by that I don’t wish I could live at least a fraction of a normal life.  I want to be able to get up and go to work, then come home and cook and clean.  I want to be able to socialize with my friends without worrying about how much pain I’m going to be in afterwards.  I want to be able to go out of town on a moment’s notice without worrying about how I feel and if I have all my medications.  I just want to be me again. 

I have days that I am at peace with my diagnosis and my new life that has come from it and then I have days where I take too many steps backwards and I’m angry and frustrated and I can’t handle being sick.  Today is one of those days.  I’m tired of having to tell my family and friends that I can go somewhere with them IF I feel okay.  I’m suppose to go see a movie with my niece in a few hours and I don’t know if I’m going to be able to go because the pain is so bad right now.

I know that I have to stay positive in order to survive Fibromyalgia, but some days are harder than others.  I don't want anyone to think that i'm having a pity party.  This is just how I'm feeling right now at this moment.  In a couple of hours I'll be okay, but right now I just need to vent.  It's better to vent now rather than explode later.  That's not pretty and no one wants to see that.  

Fibromyalgia has made my life hard, but everyone has something that makes their lives hard.  I've had my chance to vent so now's your chance.  What makes you angry? 

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Improving Your Mood by Writing

I’ve been writing poetry since I was probably ten or eleven years old.  I don’t write in any particular style…I just write.  Writing in all forms has always been a release for me.  When I’m having a bad I write about it.  If I posted everything I wrote I’m positive everyone would think I was absolutely insane.  Therefore, I keep some things to myself.  I do have an image to uphold after all.  Not really, but it sounded good.

Writing when you’re down really does make you feel better.  You don’t have to be writer to do this.  You don’t have to spell every word write or use proper grammar.  Just write all of your feelings down.  Get it all out.  No one can function properly if they hold everything inside.  All it’s going to do is keep building up until you explode and it’s not going to be pretty. 

The next time you have a bad day try it.  You’ll be amazed at the results.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

You Don't Get Fibromyalgia Until You Get Fibromyalgia

A t-shirt says, “You don’t get Fibromyalgia until you get Fibromyalgia”.  This couldn’t say it any better.  You can read every book and article out there on Fibromyalgia, but until you experience the effects of this illness, you have no idea what it’s all about.  Sometimes I wish my family and friends could walk a day in my shoes.  It would make it so much easier for them to understand why I act the way I do.  Maybe someday everyone will understand and support those with invisible illnesses.  It’s just a dream for now.  I pray every day for this dream to come true.

Monday, April 12, 2010

The Little Things

My Grandparent’s house was just a plain orange and red brick house from the outside, but on the inside, it was full of so much love and warmth.  My Meema sat in her brown rocker recliner and rocked slightly as she watched her favorite Soap Opera on their old console television.  Every now and then, her eyes would flicker and her head would fall to the side.  Her sleepiness was a sure sign that lunchtime was near.

My Peepa sat in his matching brown recliner next to Meema in his dirty, white coveralls.  If he was in his chair, he was usually asleep.  I was always quite sure that he was half bear, but I couldn’t prove it. 

It wasn’t long before the smells of fried pork chops, mashed potatoes; corn and green beans came pouring out of the kitchen.  Meema’s house was the place to be at lunchtime, and I made sure I was always there.  Peepa and I gathered at the white kitchen table while Meema put our feast on the table.  Meema joined us at the table and before we took a bite, we bowed our heads to pray.

We finished our lunch and then it was naptime.  I despised naptime, but I could never tell Meema that.  We settled into the living room and I lay down on the blue fluffy couch and pretended to sleep.  Sometimes I would fall asleep by accident, and other times I would just lay their hoping Meema would hurry and open her eyes.  Peepa and Meema went off to dream land and the room filled with loud snoring.  Although Meema’s snoring was light and dainty and Peepa’s was more of a rough growl, they seemed to harmonize with each other.  Read More...

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Everything Happens for a Reason

Why does everyone have to make life so complicated?  Everyone pays so much attention to the little things and when they do find themselves with a real problem, they can’t handle it. 

I used to be this person.  It was when Fibromyalgia officially took over my life that I changed my way of thinking.  I no longer had the strength or patience to deal with the little things so I just pushed them aside.  The end result was a happier me who had the ability to handle the bigger situations.

When you have a chronic illness it’s so hard to deal with all of life’s “normal” problems, because you’re already going through so much.  This helps you to prioritize your life and it becomes necessary just to make it through the day without going crazy.

I hate being sick, but being sick has taught me so much.  I can’t say that I would change that if I had the chance.  I am who I am because I have Fibromyalgia.  I don’t think I would like me very much if I wasn’t sick.  I would be a very selfish, stressed out bitch.  Everything happens for a reason and I won't ever stop believing that.  

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Choose to be Happy

Life is what you make of it.  You can choose to dwell on the bad or you can choose to focus on the good.  When you have a chronic illness it’s sometimes easier just to dwell on the bad.  When you’re in pain and exhausted it’s hard to see the bright side of things.  We’re only human and most of the time we let hard times get the best of us.  It doesn’t have to be that way.  If we choose to be positive, even though it can be so hard to do, the bad things won’t seem so bad anymore.  A positive attitude goes a long way.

I let things get to me when I should just ignore it and move on. Like when someone tells me that it can’t be that bad having Fibromyalgia. It’s rude and it hurts, but there is no need to shove their heads in a toilet and flush it.  Unfortunately many people choose to speak out of ignorance, but I can choose not to let it get me down. 

It’s so much easier just to be happy.  Optimism is a beautiful concept and if more people could be optimistic then the world would be so much happier!  You can’t lead a fulfilling life without hope…without happiness.  Stop dwelling on the bad in this world and start focusing on the good…it’s good for your health!

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