Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Still Awake =(

Well I’m still awake.  I could probably go to sleep now, but I have a million things to do so I’m going to push myself until I just can’t anymore.  I know, I know…that’s not exactly the healthiest thing for me to do, but I gotta do what I gotta do.  The Fibro is cooperating for the most part, which is very surprising considering the pain I was in this morning.  I’m still hurting, but it’s tolerable for the most part so all is well there.

I’m not really sure what brought on the insomnia again.  I’m not really sure why I still question the crazy occurrences that Fibromyalgia causes.  I should know by now that most of the time there is no rhyme or reason for the symptoms of this wicked illness.  That’s just the way it is and it frustrates the living hell out of me, but really what can I do?  Deal with it and live my life the best I can.  Yup that’s it….deal with it. 

I’m so exhausted.  Every part of me just wants to cuddle up in my blankets and crash, but I still feel like I need to get all this stuff done first.  I’m so tired though I don’t know if I’ll actually accomplish anything.  Oh well, maybe I will, maybe I won’t.  I’ll let you know in the next post.

I'm in Pain and I Refuse to be Negative

It’s almost 5:30am and I’ve been awake for over an hour.  The pain is excruciating.  I can’t think straight and I can barely function.  I’m guessing all this is a combination of my wild adventure over the weekend and the cold weather coming in.  Whatever the reason I’m not a very happy person right now.  Writing always seems to help me deal with everything that’s going on in my life.  Thank God for that.  If it wasn’t for that I would probably wouldn’t even write anymore and that’s just a sad thought. 

When I’m hurting like this I try to think of all the happy things in my life and not dwell on the the pain or the other frustrating symptoms of my illness.  I’m so blessed to have awesome parents who have helped me out so much, especially financially.  They don’t exactly understand and accept my illness, but that’s a work in progress.  I’m thankful for the rest of my family who always seem to be there at the right times.  I have to single out my oldest niece in this.  She drives me crazy sometimes, but that girl can make me laugh like no one else can and laughter is so important when you’re dealing with a chronic illness. My friends are awesome. They’re always there when I need them and they’re there when I don’t need them.  The ones that are really there for me know who they are.  One in particular has had to listen to a lot of complaining, bitching and crying over the years.  She’s the one that will call me when I’m in a bad flare and wake me up just to make sure I’m ok.  I wonder if she knows how much that means to me? Another one is a very new part of my life and he always knows the right thing to say when I’m feeling bad.  Sometimes I feel like he gets inside my head because he seems to say everything I want to hear and he has this awesome ability to make a really bad day turn into a good one.  Just thinking about him now has me smiling, but that’s a whole different story.

So anyway…To all the people in my life who are there for me and support me, Thank you!  I wouldn’t be alive today if it wasn’t for you.  You guys give me the strength to keep going, especially when I get to that point that I just want to give up. I love all of you bunches and bunches!

Monday, November 22, 2010

I Should Be Asleep...

This  probably isn’t the best time to write.  I’m exhausted, in pain and I’m feeling slightly delirious at this point, but oh well it’s my blog.  My awesome weekend has lead to another flare, but it was worth it.  The pain is unreal right now and we’re not even going to talk about the fibro fog.  I have no idea why I’m even still awake.  I just don’t want to feel like I’ve wasted the day.  Fibromyalgia tends to make me feel like I’m wasting my life away sometimes.  I feel out of control more and more now and it’s frustrating me.  I know I have to keep fighting, but sometimes it’s hard to when it feels like an endless battle.  Every day that I make it through gives me a little more strength and I just pray that’s enough strength to get me through the rest of my life.  Something has to change and know that change has to come from within me.  I can’t make the Fibro go away, but I can learn to co-exist with it and still be happy.  It won’t happen overnight, but it will happen.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

The Stress of Moving On

Today has been a very long day, but I survived it.  I’m so ready for bed, but I still have a million things to do so that I get ready for another long day tomorrow. Being single again has really been stressful, even more so than I had prepared myself for.  It seems like every day brings added stress and worry, but I know I can get through this and I still believe that I made the right decision when I ended my marriage.  I know that eventually things will become easier and that at some point I’ll be ready to move on completely and love again.  This time I’ll know that I can take care of myself and that I’m stronger than I ever thought I was.  This journey will be long, but I’m so excited for what the future holds.  True happiness awaits me and that gives me the hope, strength and courage I need to keep moving forward.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

This is Simply Me

I try to just be me…Cristina or as my friends and family call me…Tina.  The whole purpose of this blog was to be about me and my thoughts and ideas and whatnot.  As some of you know I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia months after I started this blog.  All of a sudden all my posts were about this invisible illness and the affect it has had on my life.  This wasn’t my intention when I started this, but life happens and this is what was created.

I don’t come here to complain about my pain and the other dreadful symptoms of my illness.  I come here to tell you what life is like for me.  Nothing I write is dramatic or over exaggerated.  It’s what I’m feeling at that moment I’m writing about it.  It may be happy, sad or even suicidal…but the bottom line is that it’s me.  Those of you who know me may find it hard to deal with.  You may not understand that when you saw me yesterday I seemed happy and well and why today I wrote about how much I wanted to die because the pain was too much to bear.  The simple truth is this is my life.  The last three days I wanted to die, but today I’m ok.  That’s the reality of my illness.  It changes that quick.  I don’t know when I’m going to feel really bad and I don’t know when I’m going to have a good day.  That’s just the way it is.

I appreciate everyone that has taken the time to read my thoughts.  I hope that my words have helped you in some way whether it be to understand yourself or someone else.  That’s why I do this.  I know there are others who feel the same way I do.  I’m not ashamed to put my life out there because it’s these experiences that have made me who I am.  This blog is and always will be Simply Me.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Who am I?

Who am I?  That’s a good question.  My outward appearance shows a healthy woman carrying a few extra pounds.  Some may view me as lazy because I don’t go out and I don’t appear as ambitious as they are.  While it seems that who I am is clear when you see me from afar, you have no idea because I ask myself everyday, who am I?

Those people who are quick to judge, only can see what’s happening on the outside.  They are oblivious to the battle taking place inside of me.  It’s Fibromyalgia versus me and it’s attacking me relentlessly, but yet I put a smile on my face and continue on with my day.  Everyone sees me when all is going well, but they don’t see when I cry myself to sleep.  They’re not there when I’m sitting and staring at my medication, wondering if I take it all can I make this all go away.  So who am I?  I’m still not sure, but Fibromyalgia is a part of me.

Eight years of marriage and now it’s all down the drain.  The struggle and the strife were suffered in vain.  The happiness and laughter left no idication of the trouble that would come.  He says he loves me.  What a joke.  Love doesn’t destroy, like he’s destroyed me.  I had my life figured out and now I have to start over.  I’m lost, confused and afraid.  Is this who I am?  I would like to believe not.

When I wake-up in the morning I try to put on smile on my face.  I take everything that is negative and I try to put a positive spin on it.  I hold my head up high even though sometimes I think it would be easier to die.  I love to laugh and have fun even though sometimes I get moody and want to be left alone.  I have a big heart and I love to love, but if you make me mad, you’ll see a whole different side of me.  I don’t get mad easy, but when I do it’s hard for me to calm down.  I’m crazy goofy and will say the weirdest, most random things.  Most of the time you won’t understand me, but this is all part of who I am.  I’m funny, complicated, insecure, happy, sad, crazy and I’m perfectly fine with that.  I am who I am and that’s all I can be.

Up's and Down's and the Patience to Deal with it All

My life has definitely had this roller coaster thing going on the last few months.  One minute I’m up and the next I’m down. I’ll be glad when everything is a little more stable so I can breathe for a little while.  I’m ready for so many things, but there are still a lot of road blocks in my way and it’s driving me crazy.  I know…patience is a virtue.  Unfortunately, this is a virtue that I don’t always have.  I try to just sit back and let things happen as they should, but sometimes I have to try to help them along and everything blows up in my face.  You think that at 30 years old I would learn just to chill but obviously not.  Oh well this is just a part of who I am I guess.

I’m finally learning to love me and I know that when I finally meet my real Mr. Right that I will be able to love him the way he deserves to be loved.  A part of me feels like I may have already found him, but I just have to be patient and see what happens.  It’s so hard, but like I said before if I push this it will blow up in my face so quit quick I won’t even realize what happened.  Only time will tell what the future holds so I just have to practice my patience and hope for the best.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

I Feel Accomplished!

Clean the house day was a big success!  I didn’t get everything done that I wanted to, but I accomplished way more than I could have ever imagined.  It’s been over a year since I was able to do as much as I did yesterday and it made me kind of emotional.  It’s those little reminders of who I used to be that get me through the bad times. 

Unfortunately, I feel like I’ve been hit by a very large truck.  My whole body hurts…even my fingernails, but at least I can look around and feel accomplished.  That’s the important part.  The pain will eventually ease up a little.  This is all part of my new start…my new beginning.  I’m feeling strong again and I’m ready to move forward a little more.  These baby steps will set me free.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

It's Time to Clean!

It is officially clean the house day!  My house will be clean by the end of the day inside and out.  I’m so tired of the mess.  I hope my body cooperates with me so that I can get everything done.  It’s been so long since I’ve been able to deep clean the way I’d like to.  I’m a clean freak with Fibromyalgia.  That’s a bad combination.  I get so frustrated when my house is a mess.  There have been so many times that I’ve just sat here and cried because I wanted to clean so bad and I just couldn’t function.  I’m not lazy.  I’m trapped in a body that can longer function the way it’s supposed to. 

Today is my day to prove to everyone that even though I’m sick I can still do what needs to be done.  I’m not sure how I’m going to feel tomorrow, but I need to get this done.  I know my house isn’t that messy, but for me it’s horrible.  So wish me luck and hopefully I’ll still be able to get out of bed tomorrow or I’m in big trouble!

Monday, November 1, 2010

What I Want...What I Need...Who the Hell Knows

I don’t want to be in this place I’m in now, and I know that I’m the only one who can change that.  I’ve cried more in the last few months than I’ve ever cried before.  I didn’t ask for this.  This wasn’t supposed to happen to me, but it has and now my only choices are to give up or keep going.  I’ve chosen to keep going.

I don’t know how I’m going to do this, but I know that one day at a time I will find my way out of this hole.  I want to be able to support myself without worry.  I want to truly love myself so that I know beyond any doubt that I can love someone else.  More than anything I just want to be happy and I won’t stop fighting until happiness is the foundation of my life.

It’s funny because I met this guy and I’m denying that love is involved in the equation, but wow I have some really strong feelings for him.  I wasn’t expecting it and I sure wasn’t looking for it.  My first reaction was to want it all.  I wanted to be his girlfriend and everything.  Then I was like oh yea I’m still married and I have a whole lot of baggage to deal with.  With any luck I didn’t push him away with my craziness and maybe later on when we’re both in a better place there might be something there.

I’m trying to work through what I want and what I need and it can get a little confusing.  Hopefully eventually I’ll be standing on slightly more solid ground and I’ll have breathing room. Until then I just have to keep on keeping on and have Faith that I will get through this mess. 

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