Wednesday, July 29, 2009

When Did Writing Stop Being Fun?

When did writing stop being fun? I’ve wanted to be a writer for as long as I can remember, but lately the passion I use to have as diminished into almost nothing. I remember how much I loved the writing assignments in school, especially the poetry. After school, I would write just for fun. I would write poetry, stories and I even wrote what I call my “book”. It was approximately 48 pages and about the struggles that kids face in school. I did it all for fun. There was no pressure, no stress, just writing. I really miss that. I miss the passion.

I had always wanted to work from home as a freelance writer, so when I got married I felt it was finally my chance to try it out. It started out great. I wasn’t making a lot of money, but I was making something. Then the pressure started building up. We needed more money and I was writing on topics that didn’t interest me in the attempt to make a few extra dollars. If I couldn’t make enough money from it I didn’t want to write it, even if it was a topic I found highly interesting. It left me stressed and without the will to write anymore.

I find myself sitting in front of a blank screen more and more now. I use to write every day. That was my thing. I haven’t written anything in the last three weeks. No blog posts, no poems, nothing. I’ve thought about taking another writing course so that maybe the structure and guidance would give me back what I’ve lost, but I really don’t know if it’s what I want to do anymore. How do you spend your whole life wanting to do something, just to give it up years later? How does the passion just fade away?

Somewhere down the line I started focusing more on the money than on the writing and I think that’s where I not only started losing my passion for writing, but I also started losing a part of myself. To remedy the situation, I’m going to stop that cycle and go back to writing just because I want to. The focus should always be on the writing and not the money, otherwise the quality begins to decrease, the quantity increases and your left with a bunch of articles that don’t reflect the writer that you’ve always dreamed of being.

Hot Creationz Body Jewelry

Just thought I would do a little shameless self-promotion…Please check out my site Hot Creationz Body Jewelry @ If you’re not pierced, don’t worry. There is a huge selection of rings, toe rings, bracelets and necklaces.

This is just my starter site and eventually I will have my own inventory. I’m just testing the waters, taking it slow and seeing where this takes me. If you know me personally, I do have a small inventory (tongue rings, belly rings, captive bead rings and eyebrow rings) at my house so come by and check it out.

If you're on MySpace...I made a page to promote the Check it out, add it or whatever.

My short term goal is to carry all of my own inventory and to have a new site. My long term goal is to open my own store. It's going to be awhile, but it's going to happen.

Friday, July 24, 2009

What's Right...What's Wrong

Life is so freaking confusing. Nothing is ever easy and there are always questions left unanswered. I have two questions…Is the right thing to do always the right thing? AND Is the wrong thing to do always the wrong thing? It sounds somewhat stupid but seriously, I think everyone has done something that would be classified as wrong by someone else, but it felt right. At the same time just about everyone has done something right that felt wrong. So what the hell? I don’t know…I guess I’m just in one of those weird moods I get in so often now. I’ll just blame the pain and call it a day.

Our Burdens

Everyone has their burdens that they deal with every day. We may not feel that someone else’s burdens are as bad as our own, but we don’t understand or know the details of their burden so who are we to judge that. To that person, their burden is huge and it is greatly affecting their life in some way. Too many people are quick to judge others without knowing the facts. I guess it’s all part of our human nature, but if we would all learn to be a little more compassionate to others this world be a much happier place.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Don't Judge Me

Please don’t act like you know what I’m going through, because you have no idea. I know many of you are just trying to be sympathetic, but I don’t need your sympathy. This is my life…this is what I have to deal with and I accept it. My life is never going to be the same and there are certain aspects of my old life that I will continue to mourn the loss of, but my new life is still full of possibilities. Everything is just going to be a little harder now.

I still have my hopes and dreams and most of all I still have me. I’m still the same inside even though physically I can’t do all the things I use to do. I still have the same big heart, but now I may not be able to help you out the way I use to be able too. That hurts me the most. When I’m able I’ll still be there, but I have limitations now that I must abide by or the pain will be so unbearable that I want to give up. I can’t keep doing that to myself.

I hate the pain, but I hate the way people treat me more. I’m not lazy and this isn’t an excuse to run away from responsibility. Every night I dream about being a “normal” person. A person who doesn’t have to live with pain, exhaustion and brain fog. Don’t judge me unless you truly know me. Those of you who knew me before Fibro took over my life know the real me. If the rest of you don’t want to take the time to get to know me then that’s on you. I don’t have the time or the patience to deal with anyone who wants to make judgments before they know the whole story.

My dream all of my life has been to write children’s books. That’s still my dream, but the Fibro isn’t going to make it an easy dream to accomplish. I can’t remember anything anymore and I can’t recall simple words. Everyone use to call me the human dictionary and now I get excited if I spell my name right. I’m struggling right now just to write this. I can’t think of the right words. This is all part of the Fibro and it’s one of the hardest parts to deal with. It’s not cool when you feel like you are going crazy.

I have kept a lot of my feelings inside, but that’s going to change. I can’t hide inside myself anymore. If you call me lazy you better be ready for a fight. I’m not going to just laugh it off anymore. I’m so tired of crying because no one understands or believes me when I say how bad the pain is. If I say I’m too tired to do something then I AM too TIRED. This isn’t something I can control. I don’t have a magic button so I can turn the Fibro off and on. It doesn’t work that way.

The best thing you can do for me and for everyone else who has Fibro is to learn about it. Read about all of the symptoms because it’s not just about the pain. Don’t judge us…we have enough to deal with.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

I Have Fibromyalgia...

I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia three days ago. I can’t believe that after 4 years I finally know what’s wrong with me. Wednesday was bitter sweet because I was glad to finally have a diagnosis, but at the same time who wants something that can’t be cured. The journey to find a diagnosis has finally come to an end, now a new journey shall begin. I have to learn to live with an invisible illness and I’ll have to learn to deal with the pain because nothing can make it stop.

The best way to understand the affects of Fibromyalgiais through someone who is dealing with it. A few people have written letters that explain how it affects us and how we deal with it. I know that my family and friends don’t actively read my posts, but if any of you happen to stumble upon this post please read this.


Fibromyalgia: An elusive, poorly understood disorder characterized by generalized fatigue and pain in various muscles, tendons, and ligaments.

Below is a testimony written by someone who suffers from fibromyalgia symptoms:


If you were born with healthy genes, you may know me but you don't understand me. I was not as lucky as you. I inherited the predisposition to chronic pain, fatigue and forgetfulness. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia (FMS) after months, years or even decades of mysterious physical and emotional problems. Because you didn't know how sick I was, you called me lazy, a malingerer, or simply ridiculous. If you have the time to read on, I would like to help you understand how different I am from you


1. FMS is not the newest fad disease. In fact, it isn't a disease at all, and it isn't even new. In 1815, a surgeon at the University of Edenburgh, William Balfour, described fibromyalgia. Over the years, it has been known as chronic rheumatism, myalgia and fibrositis. Unlike diseases, syndromes do not have a known cause, but they do have a specific set of signs and symptoms which, unfortunately for the patient, take place together. Rheumatoid arthritis and lupus are also syndromes.

2. The many physical and emotional problems associated with FMS are not psychological in origin. This is not an "all in your head" disorder. In 1987, the American Medical Association recognized FMS as a true physical illness and major cause of disability.

3. Syndromes strike life-long athletes as viciously as they do couch potatoes. They can be disabling and depressing, interfering with even the simplest activities of daily life.


1. My pain - My pain is not your pain. It is not caused by inflammation. Taking your arthritis medication will not help me. I can not work my pain out or shake it off. It is not even a pain that stays put. Today it is in my shoulder, but tomorrow it may be in my foot or gone. My pain is believed to be caused by improper signals sent to the brain, possibly due to sleep disorders. It is not well understood, but it is real.

2. My fatigue - I am not merely tired. I am often in a severe state of exhaustion. I may want to participate in physical activities, but I can't. Please do not take this personally. If you saw me shopping in the mall yesterday, but I can't help you with yard work today, it isn't because I don't want to. I am, most likely, paying the price for stressing my muscles beyond their capability.

3. My forgetfulness - Those of us who suffer from it call it fibrofog. I may not remember your name, but I do remember you. I may not remember what I promised to do for you, even though you told me just seconds ago. My problem has nothing to do with my age but may be related to sleep deprivation. I do not have a selective memory. On some days, I just don't have any short-term memory at all.

4. My clumsiness - If I step on your toes or run into you five times in a crowd, I am not purposely targeting you. I do not have the muscle control for that. If you are behind me on the stairs, please be patient. These days, I take life and stairwells one step at a time.

5. My sensitivities - I just can't stand it! "It" could be any number of things: bright sunlight, loud or high-pitched noises, odors. FMS has been called the "aggravating everything disorder." So don't make me open the drapes or listen to your child scream. I really can't stand it.

6. My intolerance - I can't stand heat, either. Or humidity. If I am a man, I sweat...profusely. If I am a lady, I perspire. Both are equally embarrassing, so please don't feel compelled to point this shortcoming out to me. I know. And don't be surprised if I shake uncontrollably when it's cold. I don't tolerate cold, either. My internal thermostat is broken, and nobody knows how to fix it.

7. My depression - Yes, there are days when I would rather stay in bed or in the house or die. I have lost count of how many of Dr. Kevorkian's patients suffered from FMS as well as other related illnesses. Severe, unrelenting pain can cause depression. Your sincere concern and understanding can pull me back from the brink. Your snide remarks can tip me over the edge.

8. My stress - My body does not handle stress well. If I have to give up my job, work part time, or handle my responsibilities from home, I'm not lazy. Everyday stresses make my symptoms worse and can incapacitate me completely.

9. My weight - I may be fat or I may be skinny. Either way, it is not by choice. My body is not your body. My appestat is broken, and nobody can tell me how to fix it.

10. My need for therapy - If I get a massage every week, don't envy me. My massage is not your massage. Consider how a massage would feel if that charley horse you had in your leg last week was all over your body. Massaging it out was very painful, but it had to be done. My body is knot-filled. If I can stand the pain, regular massage can help, at least temporarily.

11. My good days - If you see me smiling and functioning normally, don't assume I am well. I suffer from a chronic pain and fatigue illness with no cure. I can have my good days or weeks or even months. In fact, the good days are what keep me going.

12. My uniqueness - Even those who suffer from FMS are not alike. That means I may not have all of the problems mentioned above. I do have pain above and below the waist and on both sides of my body which has lasted for a very long time. I may have migraines or hip pain or shoulder pain or knee pain, but I do not have exactly the same pain as anyone else.

I hope that this helps you understand me, but if you still doubt my pain, your local bookstore, library and the internet have many good books and articles on fibromyalgia.

Avalon103 could not have described it any better. I’ve dealt with people doubting me and thinking I’m crazy for way too long. Now that I have a diagnosis I’m not dealing with it anymore. I may sound like a total bitch, but either you understand what I’m going through or you don’t. If you don’t understand or if you don’t want to take the time to understand then I don’t need you in my life. My life has been a living hell for the last 4 years because very few people supported me and now I am just to the point that I’m not going to argue my case to anyone anymore. I have Fibromyalgia…It is a real illness…and I’m really sick. That is the bottom line. I have never made anything up and my pain has always been real.

Now it’s time for me to get on with my life. It won’t be easy, but I have Faith, Hope and Love and everything else I need will follow.

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