I don’t want to be in this place I’m in now, and I know that I’m the only one who can change that. I’ve cried more in the last few months than I’ve ever cried before. I didn’t ask for this. This wasn’t supposed to happen to me, but it has and now my only choices are to give up or keep going. I’ve chosen to keep going.
I don’t know how I’m going to do this, but I know that one day at a time I will find my way out of this hole. I want to be able to support myself without worry. I want to truly love myself so that I know beyond any doubt that I can love someone else. More than anything I just want to be happy and I won’t stop fighting until happiness is the foundation of my life.
It’s funny because I met this guy and I’m denying that love is involved in the equation, but wow I have some really strong feelings for him. I wasn’t expecting it and I sure wasn’t looking for it. My first reaction was to want it all. I wanted to be his girlfriend and everything. Then I was like oh yea I’m still married and I have a whole lot of baggage to deal with. With any luck I didn’t push him away with my craziness and maybe later on when we’re both in a better place there might be something there.
I’m trying to work through what I want and what I need and it can get a little confusing. Hopefully eventually I’ll be standing on slightly more solid ground and I’ll have breathing room. Until then I just have to keep on keeping on and have Faith that I will get through this mess.
