Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Warning: Bad Flare Day

It’s days like the last two that remind me how sick I am. I’m in a really bad flare and I’m extremely annoyed with the fibro…more so than usual. Last night I had a low-grade fever and I felt like I had been hit by a truck and was still being drug by it. Today the back of my head and my neck hurt really bad. Oh and I’m itching…everywhere! I’m blessed that most days are tolerable, but I hate days like this. This is one of the worst flares I’ve had and I’m praying that it ends soon. I despise fibro, but I’m still glad that I finally got a diagnosis so that I can share the way I feel without the fear of everyone thinking I’m crazy. I know there are many fibro skeptics who may still think I’m crazy, but they don’t count. Those of us with fibro know and understand how each other feels even if no one else does and that makes a world of difference…especially on the bad days. Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully it will be as pain-free as possible. Gentle hugs to all of my fibro friends.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

I Remember...Maybe Someday

I remember when I could wake up, take a shower, clean the house, go to work and still have energy to hang out with my friends. I remember when I could remember everything. I remember when I could write on a daily basis without this fog getting in the way. I remember being happy and full of dreams. I remember everything being so simple (even though I thought it was hard back then). I remember my life before the Fibro took over and I miss it.

I get so irritated when people don’t take Fibro seriously. They act like we can put it aside and forget about it. I have been thinking about getting a purple ribbon tattoo and my mom actually asked me why I wanted it, and why I couldn’t just forget about the Fibro. I was in shock. You don’t tell that to someone who has cancer so why would you say it to anyone with a chronic illness. I wish every day that I could be the person I use to be and that I didn’t have to deal with this illness, but that’s not the way it is.

We had a family gathering last week and everyone was talking about how bad they hurt when the weather changes. I jokingly said that I hurt every time the wind changes directions and of course I got the “oh come on” and “whatever” responses from everyone. I was joking when I said it, but they’re my family and they should know by now that I hurt every day, so technically I do hurt every time the wind changes directions. I don’t know if it’s that they just don’t understand or if they don’t want to understand. Whatever it is I hope that someday they understand how much it hurts me. Sometimes that actually hurts worse than the Fibro.

Maybe someday we won’t have to “prove” how much we hurt and how much our bodies are malfunctioning. Maybe someday everyone will understand. Maybe someday we can freely talk about how we feel without everyone saying that all we do is complain. Maybe someday there will be a cure and the Fibro will be just a memory, like the memories we have now of the lives we use to have.

Thursday, October 8, 2009


I haven’t posted anything in a long time. I would like to say that I’ve been busy, but I have to be honest and say that I’ve just been lazy. I hate getting so tired so easily. It’s frustrating. Anyway, I’m in need of inspiration. The fibro has me down and out this week and I just don’t feel right. I need something to inspire me and get me back on track. I may just need a kick in the ass, but hey whatever works. Inspiration is an important part of life. If we were never inspired by anything in our lives then living would just be boring. Those things that inspire us, no matter how big or small, give us meaning in our lives and gives us that extra nudge to get up in the morning. What inspires you?

Friday, September 25, 2009

Fibromyalgia Poems

I’ve probably had Fibromyalgia for most of my life, but I’ve only been diagnosed for a couple of months now. Although the diagnosis was a great relief, it was still bittersweet because who wants to be told they have an invisible chronic illness that no one understands.

I think that the lack of understanding and acceptance of Fibromyalgia is the second hardest things to deal with. The hardest thing to deal with is knowing that you’ll never be the person you use to be again.

I still think about the things I use to be able to do. Even though I’ve had chronic pain since I was 10 years old, it wasn’t bad enough to keep me from being me. It’s hard for to believe that at one time in my life I actually played softball and basketball. I was always on the go and I loved going out with my friends and staying up until all hours of the night.

Over time, gradually, I started to slow down. It started to take me longer to do simple things and I became a huge procrastinator. I stopped going out as much and when I did go out I wasn’t having as much fun as I use to. It felt like more of a chore than a good time. Cleaning the house became a full time job and it became almost impossible for me to keep the house as clean as I wanted it. Any kind of sports became impossible. I loved to roller blade, but my legs would ache so bad that I eventually just quit trying.

No one even tried to understand what was happening to me and I was called lazy. I guess it was just easier for everyone to throw out accusations instead of trying to understand that there was something really wrong with me. I’m not lazy and what those people don’t know is that when I’m hurting too much and I’m so tired I can’t think straight I cry because I can’t clean the house and I can’t do what everyone expects me to do. I cry a lot when no one is around. I cry and then I go on with my day. Sometimes you just have to let it all out.

I’ve also learned to use my writing as a tool to help me deal with Fibro. I had quit writing poetry many years ago, but after I was diagnosed I started writing poem after poem and it really helped to get my feelings out without crying and getting angry. If you want to check out my first three poems about Fibro click the buttons at the top of the page.

Hope everyone has a good evening. Gentle hugs to all my fellow Fibromites.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Hot Creationz Body Jewelry

I'm really excited about the progress of my current website. It has me extremely motivated to continue on with my plan of having my own inventory and website by the end of next year. If you love jewelry as much as I do then check out my site Hot Creationz Body Jewelry.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

A Fibro Kind of Day

It’s days like this that remind that something is seriously wrong with me. I over did it today and I’m having extreme muscle spasms in my left arm and neck. I wish I could know what it feels like to have a busy productive day and just be tired with aching feet. No muscle spasms, no aching body, no headaches and none of the other million crazy things that are going on inside of me. I just want to be “normal”, but I know I’ll never be. My Rheumatologist asked me if I was depressed. I told him no, but it’s impossible not to be sometimes when you’re living with a chronic pain condition. There are always days like today that make you want to throw yourself a pity party. I told him no because I don’t spend 24/7 in bed feeling hopeless. I live out every day to the best of my ability and some days are awesome and other days are horrible. That’s the way life is with Fibromyalgia. I had a good day today, but I over did it so tomorrow is probably going to be a little difficult to get through. That’s okay…I’ll get through it. I always do. I may cry and I may scream at the time of lungs that I hate Fibro, but I will make it through. No one understands those of us who have Fibro and they probably never will, but that’s okay because we understand each other and that’s more than enough to get us through a bad day. Good night to all my friends, family and Fibro-friends. I hope everyone has a great day tomorrow. Even if it’s not so good, remember to feel blessed anyway!

Friday, August 21, 2009

Jasmine Fiore...Number 1 Search on Google Trends

According to Google Trends the most searched term for the day is “jasmine fiore playboy”. If you have been watching the news lately then you know who Jasmine Fiore is. If not then here’s a quick rundown.

The lovely Jasmine, 28, whose birth name was Jasmine Lapore, was a swimsuit model who did promotional work for Playboy. She was also an aspiring personal trainer. Unfortunately she is most well known for her death. She was killed and dismembered by her millionaire husband Ryan Alexander Jenkins. Her body was found stuffed inside a suitcase on August 15, 2009.

Ryan Jenkins is known for his role on Megan Wants a Millionaire that aired on VH1. The show has been canceled, but the rumor is Jenkins was the probable winner. He is currently a wanted fugitive and is believed to have crossed the border into Canada.

I don’t know about all the crazy people in this world. You can’t trust anyone anymore. Can you imagine meeting a gorgeous millionaire, getting married and then getting hacked up and stuffed in a suitcase? Something tells me that, that’s not the “American Dream” everyone is searching for. The lesson here is don’t judge a book by its cover. I don’t know much about Jasmine Fiore, but I’m sure she didn’t deserve to be killed, especially like this.

If people would stop all this craziness then the world would be a better place. So stop being crazy and go do something brilliant! : )

Thursday, August 20, 2009


Today was bad. I’ve had no energy and the pain was worse than usual. I managed to get a few things done, but not as much as I wanted to. That’s nothing new…It’s been a long time since I was actually able to get everything done that I wanted to do. My house is always half clean and the fish tank well…let’s not talk about the fish tank. I had about 2 ½ good days so it was about time to have a bad one or two or ten. I’m extremely grateful for the good days, but I still get a little discouraged on the bad days. I try to stay happy and most of the time I am, but sometimes the pain is just too much and it’s frustrating. I’m going to bed now and hopefully I will actually sleep. I hope everyone has a good night!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

A New Journey

I’m about to begin a new journey in less than a week and I’m a bit apprehensive. I haven’t taken care of kids in about 7 years on a full time basis and now next week I will be taking care of a one year old and a two year old. I hope my body will hold up and let me do this. Seven years ago I was highly capable of doing this, but my health isn’t exactly what it use to be. Fibromyalgia isn’t progressive my ass. The only people who say that Fibro isn’t progressive are those who don’t have it.

This is going to be a challenge and although I’m a little afraid of the whole situation I’m ready. I’m ready to feel like I have a purpose again. Since my sweet Aunt Edna died I’ve felt pretty damn lazy. I went from taking care of her for up to 13 hours a day to sleeping in and feeling useless again. I’m still taking care of her lawn (God, please don’t let me kill everything!), but I loved taking care of her so much more.

A new week, a new journey and hopefully a lot of “no flare” days are ahead of me. I’m hoping for the best. That’s all I can do.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Faith, Hope and Love

Over the last few years, I have morphed into a new person. I still have the same heart, but I’ve had to change just about every aspect of my life and that has changed me. I’ve had to learn to be stronger than I ever thought I could be and most importantly I’ve learned that without my Faith I have nothing. I may not be someone that you wish to know anymore or you may like me better…either way this is me and I’m changing so that I can have as much of a life as possible with Fibromyalgia.

I didn’t want to change. I liked me just fine before the pain and everything else took over my life, but the more I change, the more I’m learning to like the new me. I still wish that I could party like I use to and go camping without being miserable, but I have to face the reality of my illness. So physically you will notice a lot of changes in me, but inside I’m still the same old me. I’m just stronger now and I’m not going to take any kind of shit from anyone. This is my life and even though it’s not the life I really wanted, it’s not as bad as I thought it would be.
Everything may be harder for me now, but it’s going to be just fine because I have Faith, Hope and Love. That’s all I need…oh and my medication : ).

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Finding Inner Happiness

I wrote this article years ago and it's one of my favorites because I stepped out of my comfort zone in order to write it. I posted it in my original blog and now I thought I would give it new life and share it with you here. That long enduring relationship is over. The one you spent so much time and love on. Now you’re left wondering if your life will ever be the same. Tears and pain are all you know and you ask yourself the same question every day, “Will I ever find true happiness?” True happiness comes from within. We just have to learn to bring out our inner happiness. Do you feel you need a man to be happy? It took me two years to realize that if you’re not happy with a man, then you don’t have true happiness with a man. I’ve learned to be happy by myself and my happiness from within is with me through good days and bad days. Inner happiness gives you the strength to move on from those bad times and live your life in peace. Of course it’s hard at first. It may even sound impossible, but anything worth doing or learning is going to be hard. I’ve made it through many obstacles recently because I’ve found my inner happiness and so can you. Don’t wait for a man or a good day to be happy. Happiness is in your heart, and it’s only a heartbeat away. Many women rely on men and material things to make them happy. Some women feel that the compassion of a man is more important than their own goals and well-being. Having a good man by your side is a nice feeling, but it is more enjoyable when you have taken care of yourself first. Sometimes when we are in relationships we lose connection with our needs. Our goals and dreams get put aside and the man somehow floats to the top of our priority list. It’s not done intentionally but I’ve found in my observations that sometimes it just happens. It happened to me. I didn’t want it to and I denied it for a long time, until I finally woke up and realized that I was behind on all my goals in life, and no matter how hard I tried to be happy I couldn’t be. Some women would do anything to have a man by her side. These are the women who are always crying about how they need a man and that they can’t handle being single. They don’t need a man but they long for that compassion that only a man can give us. Having a boyfriend will make you happy, but that happiness sometimes feels that it was given to us by an Indian giver. Have you ever been in a relationship where you’re happy one day and you’re totally miserable the next. That Indian giver snatched our happiness right back. I lived this way for two years. My life was a major emotional roller coaster. If my relationship wasn’t going the way I wanted it to I couldn’t be happy about anything. I let material things determine my happiness. This isn’t a healthy way for anyone to live. The divorce rate is climbing to an unbelievable high and it really amazes me when I see a young couple still hanging in there. Recently I met a twenty-six year old mother of three who has been married for almost nine years. When you enter their home it’s the American Dream. Their love and support for each other cannot even be described in words. Although they married at a young age they continue to conquer their dreams together. They are a perfect example of the long lasting effects of true happiness. They’re living out the American Dream and it’s such an uplifting sight. I wish everything could be so beautiful but the world is full of so many painful things. We’ve all seen marriages being torn apart by infidelity and insecurities , innocent girls being both physically and emotionally abused by spouses and boyfriends and what I feel is the worst, a young girl in great depression because she can’t find a good man. A girl who doesn’t even have enough faith in herself to live alone much less go after her dreams. We all must learn to bring out our inner happiness because if we rely solely on material things to make us happy then we are going to miss out on so many important things in life. The world may end tomorrow and we must ask ourselves if we will have anything to show for our time here on earth. We don’t want to die with regrets. It is a given that we all want to be happy and finding our inner happiness is the first step to a happy eventful life, with a side order of accomplished dreams. Receive happiness from within your heart by achieving your goals, making all your dreams reality, and by knowing that you can take care of yourself, for only then will you know that you can take care of someone else. Leave the past behind and create the destiny of your dreams. This true happiness from within will never fade because it becomes a part of your life that you are proud of and that others will recognize. Leave your mark in his world. As you go through life from here when something goes wrong it may get you down, but this time you’ll see it as only a stumbling block instead of a mountain blocking your way.

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