Friday, January 27, 2012

Afraid of Falling in Love

I can honestly say that I’m happy and I love myself, but something is missing.  I used to be the type of person that fell in love fast…too fast.  It was never true love of course.  It was a cover up for the love that I never felt for myself.  It was easier to say that I loved someone else than it was to love myself.  I didn’t realize that it was impossible for me to truly love someone else without first loving myself.

So here I am now…I love who I am and what I stand for.  I’m confident and very thankful for the life I’ve been given, but still something is missing.  I can’t trust anyone, especially a man because I’m afraid that they will make me lose who I am again.  I’m in this mindset of “I’m going to get you, before you get me”.  I like not being as emotional and I’m glad that feeling of needing a man is gone, but I wonder if I will ever be able to settle down again.

I guess only time will tell.  Maybe when the right man comes along I will know.  At that moment when he hugs me and kisses me I will feel it and know that it’s the one thing I’ve been missing.  Until then I’m just going to take care of me, because I’ve spent way too much time focusing on the happiness of others instead of my own.  It’s time for me to be happy and if I have to piss off a lot of people to do that then so be it.

I hope everyone has an awesome day! Be brilliant!

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Stepping Out of the Comfort Zone

I let my illness control my life for so long that I became comfortable with letting it do so.  If I was afraid to do something then I would convince myself that my illness wouldn’t allow me to do it.  This became my comfort zone.  This is where I was more content.  I stopped actively pursuing my dreams because I didn’t want to fail.  The thought of failure terrified me.  It was easier to blame everything on my illness and hide from the world.

This place I was in, my comfort zone, became extremely lonely.  I was safe from failure, but I had no fulfillment in my life.  Every day was the same as the one before.  I was stuck in a rut, a routine that I hated, but I stayed there because I knew what to expect from it and that gave me comfort.  At that point in my life it was better to stay in that comfort zone and be miserable than to risk the heartache of failure.  I can’t do this.  I can’t do that. I can’t….I can’t….I can’t.  This became a huge part of my vocabulary and of my life.

I convinced myself that I couldn’t do things without even trying to do them.  I made excuse after excuse until I experienced the one thing I was trying to avoid…FAILURE.  I felt like a failure.  I felt that I didn’t have anything to show for my life.  I had done absolutely nothing.  I decided right then that I would rather try something and fail rather than never trying at all.  Read More...

Sunday, January 1, 2012


I wonder if I will ever be able to fully trust again.  After you find out how easily someone that is supposed to love you can lie right to your face without thinking twice about it, it makes it hard.  I’m constantly over analyzing everything when I attempt another relationship.  I can’t just roll with it and be happy because I’m waiting to get screwed over again.  It’s not healthy and quite frankly it makes me miserable, but I don’t know how to let it go. 

My life was all figured out and then I found out I had two chronic illnesses and a cheating husband.  Everything I had worked so hard for was gone and there was no way of getting it back.  I fought through my emotions about both situations and I’m finally feeling like I have my life headed in the right direction again, except for the fact that I may never truly trust someone ever again.

Hopefully at some point I will heal enough to change this.  I don’t know.  I’m not really sure how all this works so I’m just hoping for the best and I will keep on keeping on no matter what.

Hope everyone has a wonderful night. Be brilliant!

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