Life has been very difficult for me the last few months.  I’ve been sicker than I want to be, my mom has been sick and my Great Nephew’s father was killed in a car accident.  The stress has been unbelievable, but as always I am surviving. 

Life happens and sometimes it’s so hard to keep on keeping on, but we have to.  We weren’t promised an easy life, but that doesn’t mean we can’t make the best of it and still be happy.  There is always going to be something that hurts, angers or confuses us, whether it be the death of a loved one, chronic illness or a bad relationship.  If it weren’t for all these things we would never gain strength.  We would never learn to fight for what we believe in.  We would never truly live.

I hope everyone has a great night.  Don’t forget to be brilliant!

I have discovered that I am an absolute dummy.  I’m sure this is no surprise to some people.  Last week while I didn’t have a lot of access to internet I wrote 10 blog posts for my Constant Fear blog and was going to publish them when I had internet and somehow I managed to completely lose them. They’re just gone without a trace.  Everything else was auto-saved when my laptop restarted itself but not those 10 posts.  I had written posts for this blog and for Surviving Fibromyalgia and I found them right away, but the Constant Fear posts just disappeared.  Now that I’ve already done the rewrites I’m sure they’ll pop up somewhere and force me to say very bad words, but what’s done is done.

There’s always things like this in life that make us mad, make us cry and make us feel defeated, but it’s always important that every time we hit these hurdles that we remember that we’ve got over them before and we’re going to get over them again.  No matter how big or small, with enough determination, we can get through whatever life wants to throw our way. 

I hope everyone is having an awesome Saturday. Be brilliant!

Facebook has become my safe place to express my feelings about being sick because more than half of my friends on there know what it’s like to live with a chronic invisible illness. Most of my friends on Facebook have either Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, ME, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Lyme disease, Multiple Sclerosis, Lupus and Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. (I know there are more, but my mind went blank.) Some of them, like me, have two or more.  

When I started Facebook it was just like any other social network, but over the last two years it has turned into a support group that has gotten me through so many bad days.  It’s hard not to feel crazy when you have one of these illnesses because the symptoms can be totally off the wall, so when you have so many other people who talk about feeling exactly the way you do it helps to ease your mind and lets you know every day that you’re not alone in this battle. Especially when you have so many people in your life who don’t believe that you’re really that sick and that exercise is all you need to live a normal life. My question for them is if exercise is going to save me then why did I ever get sick in the first place?  I was an extremely active kid and as I got older I worked out almost every day.  I was skinny remember?  It wasn’t until I started getting sicker that I started slowing down.  You try living normally when it feels like you’re body is giving up.

I tell people that if they really want to get to know me then just had me on Facebook.  Look at my status updates and my wall posts and you will understand my world a little better.  If you really pay attention then it will be easy for you to see why I get angry, sad and sometimes want to give up.  This life isn’t an easy one, but it’s mine and if you really get to know me then you will see that I do everything in my power to make it the best it can be.  You think I dwell on being sick when actually my actions are all about being understood and learning to live despite being sick.

The greatest thing I’ve learned in this journey is that the physical pain may be constant, but the emotional pain doesn’t have to be.  I can still live…I can still be happy…I can still be me-I’m just me with Fibromyalgia now and that’s okay with me.  It’s all part of the master plan.  If you want me to deny that I’m sick and pretend like I can do everything you can do then there’s no place for you in my life anymore.  Denying that I’m sick is denying who I am and I won’t do that for anyone.  I refuse to lose myself again.

So for all those special people not only on Facebook but in my life…you know who you are…thank you for just letting me be me and not ever questioning the way I live my life.  It’s because of all of you that I can continue to move forward and grow.

I hope everyone has an awesome day. Be brilliant!

You Know You Have CFS When...
Author Unknown

...when you are cautioned to slow down by your doctor instead of by the police.

...you have a choice of two temptations and you choose the one that will get you home earlier.

...you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

...you don't worry about avoiding temptation. With CFS, it will avoid you.

...getting lucky means you found your car in the parking lot.

...you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.

...you don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along.

...you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

...the doctor says "I have good news and bad news -- the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac..."

...you go to make toast and nothing happens. You've plugged in the can opener.

...you say to your wife, "Good morning, Mary"...and her name is Sharon.

...you have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.

...you become exhausted trying to blow out the candles on your birthday cake.

...you forget your twin sister's birthday.

...you realize that you just sprayed spot remover under your arms instead of deodorant.

...you put both contact lenses in the same eye.

...there is a big basket at the bottom of the stairs full of stuff waiting to go upstairs. -- David White

...it takes you longer to get up the energy to go to the store than the completed task takes you. -- sassyj

...you feed your pets, then sit down and try to decide if it is really worthwhile to get up again just to feed yourself. -- Sandy Flake

...you cut off all your hair because you're too tired to wash/style it anymore. -- Shyrell Melara

...you go to the store to get some cosmetics and write your check out to "Wallpaper" instead of "Wal-mart." -- Sheri (HA! I do this ALL the time! T.J.)

... to unlock your car, you pull out a garage door opener from your purse, aim it at the key slot on your car door, click away, and then stand there in a stupor, wondering why the door wont open. -- Sheri

... you decide that tap water is ok, because the new gallon jug of bottled water is on the floor and it's still full. -- Elsie

... you go upstairs to have a bath, only to realize the bathplug is downstairs...so you decide to have a bath tomorrow instead. -- gossamer

... you continue watching Martha Stewart reinvent the brick because the remote is out of the hand grope area. -- Christa (How true, How true! T.J.)

This is still one of my favorite ways to explain how Fibromyalgia affects us so I'm re-posting it for the new people in my life.

These are the things I would like you to understand before you judge me...


Please know that being sick doesn't mean I'm not human. I may spend most of my day flat on my back and I might not seem like great company, but I'm still me stuck inside this body. I worry about school, work, family and friends and I'd still like to hear about yours.


Please understand the difference between "happy" and "healthy". When you've got the flu you probably feel miserable but it will pass. I've been sick for for so long that I can't afford to be miserable all the time, in fact I work hard at not being miserable. So if I sound happy, it means that I'm happy, it does not mean that I am well. I may be in pain and sicker than ever.


Please, don't say, "Oh, you're sounding better!".
I am not sounding better, I am sounding happy. If you want to comment on that, you're welcome.


Please understand that being able to stand up for five minutes, doesn't mean that I can stand ten minutes, or an hour. It's likely that five minutes has exhausted my resources and I'll need to recover - imagine an athlete after a race. They couldn't repeat that feat right away either. With a lot of diseases you're either paralyzed or you can move, but with Fibromyalgia it gets more confusing.
Please repeat the above paragraph substituting, "sitting up", "walking", "thinking", "being sociable" and so on ... it applies to everything. That's what a fatigue-based illness does to you.


Please understand that chronic illnesses are variable. It's quite possible (for me, it's common) that one day I am able to walk to the park and back, and the next I'll struggle to reach the kitchen.


Please don't attack me when I'm ill by saying, "But you did it before!".
If you want me to do something, ask if I can and I'll tell you. In a similar vein, I may need to cancel an invitation at the last minute, if this happens please don't take it personally.


Please understand that "getting out and doing things" does not make me feel better, and can often make me worse. Fibromyalgia may cause secondary depression (wouldn't you get depressed if you were no longer able to participate in life?) but it is not caused by depression. Telling me that I need exercise is not appreciated or correct - if I could do it, I would.


Please understand that if I say I have to sit down/lie down/take these pills now, that I do have to do it right now - it can't be put off or forgotten just because I'm doing something. Fibromyalgia does not forgive.


Please understand that I can't spend all of my energy trying to get well. With a short-term illness like the flu, you can afford to put life on hold for a week or two while you get well. But part of having a chronic illness is coming to the realization that you have to spend some energy on having a life now. This doesn't mean I'm not trying to get better. It doesn't mean I've given up. It's just how life is when you're dealing with a chronic illness.


If you want to suggest a cure, please don't. It's not because I don't appreciate the thought, and it's not because I don't want to get well. It's because every one of my friends has already suggested every theory known to man. I tried them all, but quickly realized I was using up so much energy trying new treatments I was making myself sicker, not better. If there was something that cured Fibromyalgia, all of us would know about it by now.
If you read this and still want to suggest a cure, submit it in writing but don't expect me to rush out and try it. If it is something new, with merit, I'll discuss it with my doctor.


Please understand that getting better can be a slow process. Fibromyalgia entails numerous symptoms and it can take a long time to sort them all out.


I depend on you - people who are not sick for many things but most importantly, I need you to understand me.

The above text may be printed freely, and shared as needed providing all content is kept intact. No other person shall ever publish this work citing themselves as the author.

Today has been a good day so far.  My love life kind of feels like it’s up in the air at the moment (my how fast things can change), but I feel good about where my life is heading and I’m excited for the future.  I’m finally going to leave my past in the past where it belongs and get on with my life.  I’m still kind of freaking out, but I know that everything will be okay one way or another.

Jumping out of our comfort zones is scary as hell, but sometimes that’s what you have to do to move forward.  We allow ourselves to stay stuck in a rut simply because it’s comfortable and we’re too afraid of facing our fears.  One of my favorite sayings is “Face your fear and it will go away”.  That is the absolute truth.  We are bigger than our fears and we are more than capable of overcoming them.

I hope everyone can find the strength to face your fears.  Be brilliant!

Last night was beyond bad but I survived so that’s all that matters. Fibro pain combined with gallstone pain is a freaking nightmare.  The intense pain lasted for about 5 hours and I should have gone to the ER but I’m out of town and didn’t want to mess with it.

I feel much better today just extremely sore from all the puking and stuff.  It’s going to be a good day because I’m going to make it that way.  Nights like last night always give me the strength to fight harder and that’s what I intend to keep doing.

I hope everyone has an awesome day and as always don’t forget to be brilliant!

Today is one of those days where I would have much rather just stayed in bed.  I’m in a flare, but I wouldn’t say that I’m in a bad mood.  I’m just in a mood that isn’t good.  I don’t know, it’s weird.  I’m feeling a little better now, but maybe it’s because it’s almost bedtime and I can put this day behind me.  It’s been a while since I’ve felt quite like this.  I feel like all my nerves are sitting on top of my skin.  Everything is irritating me and everything hurts.  I know, I know…welcome to the world of Fibromyalgia.  It could be worse so I won’t bitch too much.

Hope everyone has had an awesome day!  Don’t forget to be brilliant!

I love quotes that not only inspire you but also make you really think about where your life is headed.  I recently read a book called Do It! Let’s Get Off Our Buts by John-Roger and Peter McWilliams and the authors used many quotes from the famous and not so famous throughout the entire book.  Here are some of my favorites:

“Writing is easy.  All you do is stare at a blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead.”  ~Gene Fowler

“It took me 15 years to discover  I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by then I was too famous.”  ~Robert Benchley

“You can’t build a reputation on what you’re going to do.”  ~Henry Ford

“Fall seven times, stand up eight.”  ~Japanese Proverb

“Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.”  ~Erica Jong

“People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are.  I don’t believe in circumstances.  The who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and if they can’t find them, make them.”   ~George Bernard Shaw (1893)

“The Wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it’s just sort of a tired feeling.”  ~Paula Poundstone

“Courage is doing what you’re afraid to do.  There can be no courage unless you’re scared.  ~Eddie Rickenbacker

What are your favorite quotes?  Don’t forget to be brilliant!

I have had the ability to really relax this week and I feel so refreshed.  I’m always saying I just want to run away and I finally did.  My little mini vacation has been awesome.  I know when I get back home I will have to deal with reality, but I feel strong enough to take care of business now.  Dreams don’t get accomplished by simply dreaming and wishing.  They take hard work and a lot of determination.  I’m ready now.  My life is changing fast and it’s time that I catch up and go with the flow.

Hope everyone has had an awesome day. Don’t forget to be brilliant! 

I’m feeling stronger these days, which is so refreshing.  The pain is still an absolute bitch, but I have a little more energy and my mind is definitely more clear.  I can handle the pain if I’m mentally in a good place so I’m calling the last couple of days good ones.

Good days are essential in dealing with Fibromyalgia, whether they are good because the pain isn’t too bad or simply because we’re just happy.  I’ve had days where I could barely move because the pain was so bad, but I was still happy so it was a good day.  How can we be happy when we’re in so much pain?  This is something that only those of who live with chronic pain understand.  If we dictated happiness on how much pain we were in then we would never be happy.  Who wants to live life like that?

 

I hope everyone is having an awesome day.  Don’t forget to be brilliant!

Where do I go from here?  I’m lost and confused.  I feel like just a shell of the person I used to be.  I had my life figured out only for it to first be thrown off track by my illness and then again by divorce.  Now I don’t know where to go.  I’m trying my hardest to keep my head up and keep on keeping on, but some days are harder than others.

We all go through this from time to time.  We feel sorry for ourselves, we feel hopeless and abandoned and we simply feel stuck in a rut.  Times of self-pity are not something we are ever proud of, but it’s these moments of weakness that in the end make us stronger.  I used to get mad at myself every time I caught myself feeling sorry for myself, but not anymore.  Now I know that I need those occasional moments of weakness to remind me of how strong I really am. 

We’re all human and we all make mistakes.  No one is better than anyone else.  We all have our weaknesses and we all have our strengths.  Live your life the best way you know how and don’t listen to anyone but yourself.  Only you can get you to the place you’ve been dreaming of because only you know how important it is to get there.

Have an awesome day and don’t forget to be brilliant! 

I end every post with “Don’t forget to be brilliant.” Or “Be brilliant”.  This started because I needed a special reminder myself that it didn’t matter what I accomplished as long as I was brilliant while accomplishing it. If every day we tell ourselves that we’re going to be brilliant then at some point we’ll have no choice but to be brilliant.  It may sound totally retarded, but just think about it for a second.  The mind is far more powerful than we think it is.  If we think we are going to fail then we are going to fail.  If we tell ourselves that we’re going to be brilliant then we are going to be brilliant.  It’s as simple as that. 

So stop thinking about your dreams and start living them.  I hope all of you have an awesome day and of course don’t forget to be brilliant.

I remember being 16 years old and thinking it was the end of the world because my mom wouldn’t buy me those new shoes I wanted or if the boy I had a crush on liked someone else.   Every time I threw a fit my mom would tell me that life wasn’t easy and that it was only going to get harder.  Now I’m 31 years old with a chronic illness, no insurance, no money and going through a divorce.  I could cry scream and throw a fit, but because of how my mom raised me I know that things could be worse and if I don’t watch myself they will get worse.

Times are hard, but there are so many people who are much worse off than me so I’m going to do my best to suck it up and drive on.  I have a chronic illness, but I don’t have a terminal illness.  I don’t have insurance, but I have resources I can still utilize.  I have no money, but I have love and support.  I’m going through a divorce, but at least it’s not a nasty one and I’m so much happier without him. 

Everything happens for a reason and we go through what we go through so that we can be who we are meant to be.  Not everything makes sense when it happens, but when you start paying attention to the bigger picture everything falls into place just as it should.  I used to ask all the time why I had to be sick.  Why not me?  If I focus on every aspect of my illness and what it does to me then it feels like a curse, but if I focus on my entire life as a whole then I’m able to see how my illness has molded me into the person I’m supposed to be.  I wouldn’t be as strong or compassionate as I am if I wasn’t sick.  I love who I am as a person and I wouldn’t change it if I could.  I don’t like being sick, but there are worse things so I’m just going to continue to live my life the best way I know how.

I hope everyone is having an awesome day.  Don’t forget to be brilliant!

I’ve been MIA for a while again.  The pain has been a little more intense than usual which has resulted in me losing my job, an ER visit and countless nights and some days of crying and screaming because the pain is so bad.  It’s been a month and I don’t think it’s going to stop anytime soon.  I finally made a doctor’s appointment and of course with my luck he’s out of the clinic for the week so I have to wait till next Monday.  I think I’ll survive.  Whatever it is it hasn’t killed me yet. 

In the beginning I thought it might be Costochondritis, but now I’m not sure.  So this is what I’ve been going through:  The pain is on my right side.  It feels like it’s in the lower part of my ribcage, but it’s hard to tell because the pain is extreme and radiates all over including my chest and back.  I get extremely nauseated and I puke at least once with every episode.  These episodes last between 2-6 hours and vary in intensity.  Sometimes I can handle it and sometimes it makes me want to die.  Sometimes it kind of feels like heartburn, but not really.  The pain is burning, stabbing and throbbing all at the same time.  I’ve had it twice before.  The first time I had one episode that lasted about 2 hours.  The second time I had 3 episodes and they lasted about 3 hours each.  I went to the ER after the first episode of the second time and the doctor said it was most likely Costochondritis.  Now this time it has over-stayed its welcome by weeks and I’m ready to get rid of it.  It’s driving me absolutely insane.  I’m used to dealing with pain, but this is like getting ran over by a steam roller every night.

Opinions and advice will be greatly appreciated.  The one thing I’ve learned through all of this is that I can’t do it alone.  I hope everyone has a great night.  Be brilliant!

I’m too exhausted to write anything that may be halfway worth reading so I’m going to share a few quotes that I found over the weekend that I really liked.  The first one is a saying I got off of someone’s Facebook status and I thought it was freaking awesome.  It’s something that we should all remember when we’re in those pissy, bitchy moods.  The rest are just random quotes about writing.

Breaking News: The Pity Train has just derailed at the intersection of Suck It Up & Move the fuck On, Crashing into we All Have Problems, Before coming to a complete stop at Get the Hell Over It. Reporting LIVE from Quitchur Bitchin'.

"Sure, it's simple, writing for kids . . . . Just as simple as bringing them up." Ursula K. LeGuin

"The mere habit of writing, of constantly keeping at it, of never giving up, ultimately teaches you how to write."  Gabriel Fielding

“We don't write what we know.  We write what we wonder about."  Richard Peck

"Talent is helpful in writing, but guts are absolutely essential."  Jessamyn West

Hope everyone has survived this Monday so far. Have a great night and always remember to be brilliant!

Most of the time, the only person holding us back from our dreams is ourselves.  It’s time for me to have faith in myself and play with the pros.  I’m never going to get anywhere if I let fear and insecurity guide my way.  Writing is a hard gig to make a full time living on, but it’s possible and that’s what I want to do.  FYI…A job as a freelance writer is not an easy job, like many people make it out to be.  Anyone who writes to make money knows how hard it is.  What you write has to be perfect, there has to be a market for it and your submission has to stand out from thousands of others.  It’s not easy, it’s time consuming and the pay is not always great. 

I’m ready to let go of my fear and make myself known.  It’s going to be a hard journey, but at least I’ll know that I’m doing something with my life.  I may be taking baby steps towards my dreams, but for once, I’ll be heading in the right direction.

The pain is never-ending

Relentless, unforgiving

Throbbing, stabbing, burning

So tired of suffering

But there is no other choice

There is no cure

All this to endure

Nowhere to hide

Anxious to confide

To anyone, anywhere

This isn’t fair

But it is what it is

Maybe someday you will care.

The pain gods are angry and apparently so are the formatting gods.  I’ve had some trouble with formatting the last couple of posts.  I’m not sure why, but if you noticed I am aware of the situation.  Hopefully I won’t have any trouble with this one.

Today has started off fairly descent. The pain is pretty bad, but my mind is a lot clearer than it has been so that makes for a much better day.  So now I’m off to see what I can accomplish today.

Hope everyone has an awesome day. Be brilliant!

I wake-up at the same time almost every day, which is very early, even when I fall asleep late or when I barely sleep at all.  I take care of the responsibilities that I’m physically and mentally capable of and then I beat myself up for the things I’m unable to do.  I was told again that I just have to push myself.  I start pushing myself the moment I wake-up.  I have to push myself to take a shower, to get dressed, brush my teeth, do my hair and make-up, clean the house, work…I have to push myself just to live.  I don’t take anything for granted anymore.  All these things I used to do without even thinking and now just to take a shower I have to make sure I have enough energy so that I don’t fall.  I’m no longer able to shave my legs every day or fix my hair. These things take energy that I need so that I can do something else so they’re only done when absolutely needed. My house isn’t spotless, but I do the best I can.  While cleaning I have to decide if the pain is really going to be worth it or if my time would be better spent resting so that the pain doesn’t get out of control.  This all depends on how mentally strong I am.  If mentally I can handle the pain, then I’ll probably over-do it and get most everything done.  If my mind is weak then I’ll take it easy until it’s stronger because I’ve learned that I can go from being happy to wanting to die in a very short amount of time.

My point to all this is to never tell someone with a chronic illness that they just have to push themselves to get things done.  You have no idea what’s going on inside their mind and body.  It seems like an easy solution to you, but it’s one we already use.  If we didn’t push ourselves then we wouldn’t be here anymore.

I woke up to another day of serious pain, ugh!  I can look at it this way though, at least I woke up.  You always have to find the bright side of things even though sometimes you have to search a little longer to find it. 

I took valerian root to help me sleep last night.  Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t.  Last night it didn’t work.  I finally fell asleep in pain, I had nightmares about being in pain and then I woke up in pain.  I’m glad I don’t have days like this very often…not this bad anyway.

Anyways…this is probably going to be a very long day, but I will survive as I always do and hopefully I will manage to even get something done in the process. 

Hope everyone has a productive day! Be brilliant!

Awe this thing called love.  What the hell is it exactly?  I have no idea.  I thought I did at one point, but I’ve come to the conclusion that I really don’t.  I guess when I actually find true love then I’ll know what I’ve been missing.  That is if I ever find it.  I’m really beginning to wonder these days.  I’ve made a decision that I’m going to stop worrying about dating and finding the one and focus more on finding myself.  I’m tired of all the BS.

I need to focus on my career and my health before there’s nothing left of me.  All I’m doing is trying to find someone to save me when I should be trying to save myself.  I was wondering when I would finally snap out of it and get into the right mindset.  I’m setting goals this week and I’m finally going to start working towards them.  This is my life.  If I fail it’s no one’s fault but my own.  I don’t want to fail.  I don’t want my lack of self-confidence and my illness to win. So here’s to finding myself, because it will only be then that I find the true love and happiness that I’ve been searching for all my life. 

Hope everyone has had an awesome day!  Be brilliant!  

I’m having one of those days where I can’t figure out anything, even the simplest things. Fibro fog is such an unwelcomed guest.  If it wasn’t for spelling and grammar check I wouldn’t even be writing this right now, much less anything else.

I take care of two kids and I don’t ever remember when I’m supposed to have them anymore so I just wake up every day and wait, which is exactly what I’m doing right now.  It’s good because it gives me a chance to get some writing done, but it drives me crazy that I can’t remember from week to week.

I’m used to the fact that my body is failing and I’m prepared for that as much as I can be, but I had no idea my mind would go too.  That’s the part that I’m having a hard time accepting.  The first time I noticed the Fibro fog I thought I had completely lost my mind.  I was literally like what the hell.  At that time I didn’t know it was Fibro fog because I didn’t even know I had Fibromyalgia yet so it was a little traumatizing.

 

I can handle it a little better now, because I know that it’s not permanent.  I understand more about it and I know that it’s going to come and go with my flares.  As soon as my mind is clear again I breathe that sigh of relief and go on with my life as usual.

I’m hoping this little episode will clear soon, because I can’t think straight and I don’t want to find my keys in the refrigerator and the milk in the cabinet later on.

I hope everyone is doing well today.  Be brilliant!

I’m so ready for bed.  It would be nice if I didn’t have to wait for my blankets to dry and then make my bed all before I can lay down.  Stupid sand and stupid window that is apparently pointless.  My room looks a little less like a sandbox now.  It only took me all day to get everything dusted off, swept up and washed.  I’m still not completely finished, but it’s good enough for now.

I over did it and I’m paying for it.  The pain is insane, my vision is blurry and I just don’t feel right.  That’s what I get for trying to function like a “normal” person.  Oh well I’m not going to complain about it because I know firsthand that it can be a lot worse.  After I get my bed made I’m going to lie down and relax and tomorrow will be better.  If it’s not, then I will still make it through it like I do every other bad day. It’s all about continuing to move forward no matter 

what.

I hope everyone had a good day.  *Big Hugs*

I hate sandstorms! Yes I should be used to it by now.  I’ve lived in West Texas all my life and I’ve lived in very close proximity to cotton fields all my life.  It’s been a while since we’ve had a bad one and I wasn’t quite prepared for it like I usually am.  My room is now a sandbox because of my old crappy windows and there’s a haze throughout my entire house.  It’s horrible.  We can’t breathe and I have this sudden urge to brush my teeth.  I really want to take a shower, but I’m afraid I’ll turn into a giant mud ball.  It’s going to be a long dirty day.

What kind of weather are you guys dealing with?  I hope everyone is having an awesome day!  Never forget to be brilliant…even when the weather makes you want to just go back to bed=).

I'm exhausted, I'm in pain and I need money.  That's a hell of a way to start out the day.  Being an adult is highly over-rated.  I need to work, but my body is physcially and mentally stressed to the max.  There's no more push left in me.  I hate when I let myself get to this point, but sometimes it just seems like it's unavoidable.

Having a chronic illness doesn't give you a magic "you don't have to do shit" card.  You still have to function like everyone else.  You still have bills to pay.  Not to mention all the doctor bills and medication you have to pay for.  Everyone assumes that if you say you have a chronic illness, especially one like Fibromyalgia, that you're taking the easy way out.  How the hell is it the easy way, when you still have to do everything everyone else does, except you have to do it while being sick.

I don't know.  All that is just a thought and just what my experience has been since I "came out" about being sick.  You know since the illness I've had all my life finally has a name now.

Anyways that's enough about that.  I hope everyone has an awesome day.  Don't forget to be brilliant!

What are the top 10 things you want to do before you die?  This is definitely one of those questions that most people can't answer without much consideration.  I'm one of those people.  Hell there's so much I want to do...so much I want to be.  Narrowing it down to the top 10 may be difficult, but I'm going to give it a shot.

Here we go: THE TOP 10 THINGS TINA WANTS TO DO BEFORE SHE DIES...

  1.   Love myself
  2.  Get published in print
  3.  Write a children's book
  4.  Pay off my house
  5.  Be able to financially support myself
  6.  Understand my illness a little better
  7.  Be known for something...even if it's something   weird          
  8.  Lose weight...at least 50 pounds
  9.  Skate again
10.  Find a good man and live happily ever after

Okay so this is what I could come up with right now.  I'll probably think of more things later so expect future posts on this topic. Now tell me what you're top 10 things to do before you die are.

I'm woke up an hour and an half before I actually had to be.  This sucks.  I don't sleep enough as it is and then to wake up extra early is quite irritating.

So I guess I'm going to try and eat breakfast without puking, clean my house and get ready for another long day.

I hope everyone has a great day full of energy and for all my chronic illness homies I hope your pain levels are low and your spirits are high.

Happy Valentine's Day!  I honestly thought that I would be totally depressed today, but I'm actually happier than I have been in a while.  So what if I'm single...I'm way happier being single than I was in my marriage.  It's sad, but I was slowly suffocating in my marriage and now I can breathe again and live my life.  My life is really hard and extremely stressful, but it's good and I have a lot of people who love me.  A man would be nice, but I don't need one.

I hope that everyone is having an awesome day.  Remember that today is really just another day, because every day should be about love.

It's amazing how scandalous guys can be. I'm glad I   can still see through the bullshit.  Why do they see fit to lie and play games when it's not even necessary. Honestly why do they play games if they have no clue on how to play them in the first place?

I have to admit that this one had the nice guy routine down pretty good.  Oh you know.  He was sweet and charming blah, blah, blah.  Something wasn't right though and I could feel it and then he put it out there for the whole world to see.  Maybe the other girls don't mind that, but I'm not a skanky follower who puts up with bullshit.

So as I sit back and laugh at this multitude of girls all drooling and chasing after the same guy I'm truly grateful to have been put through hell in previous relationships because my asshole detector has been perfected.

I'm almost done cleaning my house.  I think I might actually get everything done this time.  The pain is horrible, but I'm getting more and more excited about the way the house is looking so it'skeeping me moving forward.  I'm feeling quite accomplished right now.  I think I may take a quick lunch break, update Phobia: LIving in Constant Fear, finish cleaning and then go to BED!

I hope everyone is having a productive day!

The snow keeps falling and the pain keeps getting worse.  It literally hurts to breathe right now so that should tell you how much moving hurts.  Days like this make me wonder how I can keep living with Fibromyalgia, but then I remember I've had days like this before and I made it through them.  I may cry and I may wish I was dead, but tomorrow is a new day.  If I'm in pain tomorrow then the next day is a new chance to feel better.


Positive thinking is hard as hell to do when you have a chronic illness, but it's the difference between living and dying.  I could spend the rest of my life feeling like it's the end of the world.  I could refuse to get out of bed.  I could refuse to accept that I'm sick, but all this will do is kill me.  I may feel like I want to die sometimes, but I don't want to die.  I want to live despite my illness.  I don't want to die because of it.


Life is beautiful even when a chronic illness makes it a little hard to handle sometimes.  Find your strength, find your peace and find yourself.  LIfe is what you make it.  Don't lay down and die when you still have the ability to stand up and fight.

I can't believe it's still snowing. This is pretty crazy for West Texas. The electricity went out this morning, but thankfully I slept through it. It will probably go out again so I guess I better get ready.

After having above average temperatures since Winter began it's kind of nice having normal Winter weather. Don't get me wrong I despise the cold, but the snow is so much prettier than looking at dead grass and dirt every day.

I hope that everyone has an awesome day! Stay warm and be brilliant!

Today is "Tina has to clean the house" day. It's time to suck it up and get this place looking like a home again. The Fibromyalgia better stay out of my way today because I'm not in the mood to deal with it.

Sometimes I allow Fibromyalgia to take over because I feel like I have no strength left to fight, but I have to change my ways because I'm never going to get anywhere if I continue letting this illness lead the way. The last 20 years have taught me that it's only going to get worse so I can't put my life on hold and hope they find a cure.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life saying I would have done this and I would have done that if I wasn't sick. I want to say I did all this despite being sick. I want to be able to say that no illness is going to hold me back from what I want to do. I'm going to use Fibromyalgia as my strength so that it can never be my weakness.

So first things first I need a clean house so I can concentrate. Wish me luck. There's a lot to do. I hope everyone has a fantastic day and for all of you who have gotten hit by this wicked winter storm-be safe and stay warm.

This my favorite poem from Edgar Allan Poe. I had to memorize it when I was 13 years old and it was then that I learned to appreciate the talents of this very interesting man.

Annabel Lee by Edgar Allan Poe

It was many and many a year ago,
In a kingdom by the sea,
That a maiden there lived whom you may know
By the name of Annabel Lee;
And this maiden she lived with no other thought
Than to love and be loved by me.

I was a child and she was a child,
In this kingdom by the sea;
But we loved with a love that was more than love -
I and my Annabel Lee;
With a love that the winged seraphs of heaven
Coveted her and me.

And this was the reason that, long ago,
In this kingdom by the sea,
A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling
My beautiful Annabel Lee;
So that her highborn kinsman came
And bore her away from me,
To shut her up in a sepulcher
In this kingdom by the sea.

The angels, not half so happy in heaven,
Went envying her and me
Yes! that was the reason
(as all men know, In this kingdom by the sea)
That the wind came out of the cloud by night,
Chilling and killing my Annabel Lee.

But our love was stronger by far than the love
Of those who were older than we
Of many far wiser than we
And neither the angels in heaven above,
Nor the demons down under the sea,
Can ever dissever my soul from the soul
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee.

For the moon never beams without bringing me dreams
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And the stars never rise but I feel the bright eyes
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side
Of my darling, my darling, my life and my bride,
In the sepulcher there by the sea,
In her tomb by the sounding sea.

Happy Monday!  Don't shoot me I'm just trying to be optimistic.  My days not looking too good already.  The kids I take care have been here for less than an hour and things are already broken.  I have a feeling it's going to be a long day.

My weekend was totally boring except for my conversations with my special one.  I get a total kick out of him.  He's awesome.  Other than that I worked, cleaned house and sat here alone for most of the weekend.  Oh well it could be worse.

This is the beginning of a new week and hopefully it will bring new and exciting things to my life and to all of yours.  I hope all of you survive this most unwonderful Monday.

I'm exhausted and getting more and more frustrated by the minute.  The morning started out really good, but those little life stressors have intervined and have me a little worried.  I have my medicaid interview tomorrow and I'm freaking out about it.  They want to do a phone interview and I hate talking on the phone because sometimes it's hard for me to comprehend what people are saying.  It's not that I don't hear, but I just can't understand.  It's weird, but from what I hear it's another lovely Fibro thing.  I'm just going to try and chill and get through it.

I wish I didn't have to worry about all this, but I don't think there is going to be a cure for Fibro anytime soon so I have to do what I have to do.  That's so much easier said than done in this body, but I'll get through all this eventually.  I may be a little extra bitchy from time to time so I apologize in advance to my friends and family who have to deal with me and for the rants I may post here.  Stress is hard for me to handle because the Fibro has my nervous system all kinds of screwed.  I know those of you who have it know what I'm talking about.

Anyways...I hope everyone is having a great day so far.  I'm going to suck it up and force myself to have a good afternoon.

I absolutely wasted my entire day off, but I guess the rest was needed.  Nothing new has really been going on lately, except I started talking to a new guy who is perfect in every way except that he lives in a different state.  I'll probably never meet him in person, but he has been awesome to talk to and has given me a reason to smile on those days that I wanted to die. I told him that if he Googles my name he can find all of blogs and articles so we'll see if he finds this.  Just in case he does....Hi sweetie thanks for stopping by ; ).

Anyways I had a few good days, but I'm back in another flare.  I'm handling it very well because I actually had some good days...FINALLY!!!  It was getting to the point where I was just having back to back flares and it was killing me.  I feel like I have some control back now so all is as well as can be with this monster.

In case anyone is wondering I'm still not divorced.  I really, really want to be but I can barely afford to live right now.  I can't wait to be 100% free of him.  This whole thing has been an absolute nightmare and I'm ready for closure. I'm ready to start living and I don't feel like I can until all this is behind me.

I hope everyone has a great day.  Be brilliant!

Happy Monday everyone!  I hope everyone has an awesome day despite it being Monday.  I woke up feeling really good today.  Of course the pain is there, but mentally I'm good so that means a good day.

When you have chronic pain you can't base your moods on how your body feels because then you would always be sad, irritated and pissed off at the world.  I learned a long time ago that I can still be happy despite my pain and that's the most valuable tool I have against this monster that has invaded my body.

So if you see me or someone else with a chronic illness smiling and laughing remember that it doesn't mean they're feeling better or that they're magically cured...it just means they are having a good day and that they're happy.  They may be in so much pain they can barely walk, but they don't let that keep them down.

Our illnesses are chronic.  We'll probably never have a cure.  We have to learn live our lives a little differently than everyone else.  There's nothing wrong with that.  In fact sometimes it's actually a blessing because we get to see things an entirely different way than everyone else.  Life is beautiful even when you feel like yours is falling apart.

Have a great day and don't forget to be brilliant!

How come taking care of yourself is always the hardest thing to do?  I'm awesome at taking care of other people and making sure they have what they need, but when it comes to me I end up in the ER on the verge of a stroke.  Go figure.

I guess it's easier to think of others first...for me anyway.  It's easier to deal with someone else's problems, because you can see the big picture of their problems a lot more clearly than you can see your own.
I've noticed that quite a few, if not most of us, with invisible chronic illnesses tend to always put others before us.  I honestly don't think we would be like that if we were'nt sick and if we didn't have illnesses that carried such a stigma.  I personally knows how it feels to be alone and misuderstood so I make sure no one around me ever feels that way.

This is just my opinion.  What are your ideas on the matter?  Hope everyone has an awesome Sunday. Be brilliant!

Life is what you make it and I'm determined to make mine the best it can be.  I can sit around here and cry and feel sorry for myself because I'm sick or I can get out there and make something of myself despite being sick.  I'm tired of being depressed and feeling like I have to depend on others all the time because the bottom line is the only person who's going to take care of me is me.  So to all of my friends who are sick too...lets show the world what we're made of.  Our illnesses don't define who we are and although they do make our lives more challenging we're strong enough to handle it.

I hope everyone is having an awesome weekend!

It's been a rough week in the Fibromyalgia and health in general department.  I had excruciating pain in my ribs that sent me to the emergency room.  While I was there I found out my blood pressure was 200/120 and that I was about to have a stroke and that I had an ear infection. I got a shot in the butt for the pain that didn't start working for 2 hours and meds for everything else.

It's been a week today since all that happened and I'm still not right.  I went to my doctor yesterday and I still have the ear infection and my blood pressure is far from normal, but hopefully I can get my body back on track so I can attempt to be as normal as posssible.  Ha Tina be normal....that's kind of funny, but anyways.

I started working again today and I just hope that nothing else goes wrong on me.  I have a lot to catch up on and I definitely don't have time to be that sick again.  I guess none of us with chronic illnesses have time to be sick, but we kind of have to learn to deal with it.  One thing for sure is that this has scared me into taking better care of myself.  If I would have been doing it all along I wouldn't have had to go through this hell, but oh well shit happens.

I hope everyone has a great rest of the week and a most awesome weekend.

It’s been a decent week for once.  The pain hasn’t been too bad and as for my personal life…well I just don’t care anymore.  That one special person is probably history, but I don’t have the time or energy to worry about it. It may sound like I’m being a bitch, but it’s always been his choice not to get to know me and I need more than that.  I don’t need a guy shoved up my ass, but I do need someone who makes an effort…even the smallest effort would have made all the difference. I know I’m complicated, but I’m not that complicated.

Anyways I’m just going to take it one day at time and concentrate more on the Fibromyalgia more than anything else.  If I don’t start taking care of me more, then this crap is going to take me out. I don’t know why I’m so worried about finding a man because when I do find one I’m going to be too sick to care if I keep on the same path I’m on now.  It’s all about me now and if someone makes that effort to get inside my world then I may just let him.

I hope everyone has a great day. Be brilliant!