I’ve been separated from my husband for about two months now.  I have no idea how the whole divorce thing is going to go, but I’m ready to get it over with.  Considering he already has a girlfriend, it should be an easy process.  I’m hoping anyway. 

I’ve talked to a few guys since the split, but one in particular has really stood out to me and I’m not sure exactly why.  I mean he’s cute, he has an awesome personality and he’s easy to talk to, but there’s something else that’s there that’s just different and I haven’t figured it out yet.  I’m not sure where this is going to go, but I have a feeling that it’s going to be fun while it lasts. 

It’s been so long since I’ve been truly happy so this has been nice.  When I wake up in the morning I have so many reasons to smile now and one of those reasons include this cutie that has definitely gotten my attention.  So as I continue on another new journey, I know that strength and courage are imperative, because this road will be long and hard, but I also know that the happiness I’ve always dreamed of awaits me. 

This has been a stressful week and I’m in another flare, but other than that it hasn’t been too bad.  I’m grateful for all the blessings in my life.  When things are going bad, you have to remember all the good that has happened too.  Sometimes it seems easier to focus on the bad and dwell on all the uncertainty in your life, but that’s not the way to happiness.  Even if there has only been very little good in your life, focus on it and never forget it.  Hold on to it as if you’ll die if you don’t.  It’s only then that you will find true happiness.

So I woke up today and realized that I don’t have enough money to pay the bills.  I’ve missed three days of work because of the Fibro and another issue and so now I need about a hundred dollars by the 15^th.  If I write non-stop for the next two days I still don’t think I would make enough.  Not to mention that I don’t think there is any way possible that I could actually sit for that long. 

I know that everything will work out because it always does, but it gets extremely stressful which is really hard on me because of the Fibromyalgia.  I know we’ve all been in this place before.  Life is hard to deal with it as it is, but when you throw Fibro or any other chronic illness into the mix things get really hard.  We often learn the hard way how strong we really are and how much we can handle if we can just keep pushing on.  We often get pushed to the limit and some of us are able to continue on while for some of us it’s just too much and the decision is made to leave this world.

The only thing I can do is put my big girl panties on, suck it up and keep pushing forward.  I’m not ready to give up yet.  There’s still too much I want to do and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let this jacked up illness stand in my way.  The bills will get paid somehow and I’ll be back on track…destination happiness.

This may sound a little bitchy, but it's been a very long 3 weeks and the pain is excruciating.  There have been too many people in my life these past few weeks who have expected me to respect their feelings when they don't want to respect mine.  They want me to except their faults when they refuse to except mine and the one that hurts the most is that there are way too many people in my life who can't accept that I'm sick. So I apologize in advance for the following rant, but I have to get my feelings out some way.

To all the Fibromyalgia skeptics who refuse to try to understand: If you don’t like what I do or how I live my life get over it.  You have no idea what it’s like to be me.  You have no idea how it feels to not be able to remember what it feels like to not be in pain.  You don’t know what it feels like to watch the person you used to be fade away. When you’re sick and in constant pain your priorities change. I used to worry myself sick on how to pay the bills and even about how others perceived me.  Now I worry about if I’m going to be able to walk in the morning or if I’m going to be puking all day again.  The bills will get paid eventually and if you don’t like me you can kiss my ass because I don’t have the time or energy to mess with you. What used to be important doesn’t matter anymore and I understand that those who aren’t sick don’t understand this.  See it’s all about understanding.  I’ll try to understand you as long as you try to understand me.  It’s as simple as that.

 To all my family and friends who think that I’m not trying hard enough to do something with my life: All my energy goes into trying to survive my illness.  Remember I didn’t choose to be sick and no one hates it more than me. I get overwhelmed so easy and when I get overwhelmed I can’t function at all.  It’s all part of my illness.  I’m slowly learning how to deal with this so please be patient with me.  My goal in life has always been to make all of you proud, but even that’s changed now.  My goal in life is to be happy and to completely get rid of that urge to die.  It’s still there and it gets a little stronger every time you knock me down and act like my illness isn’t a big deal.  So if you want me to succeed then try supporting me.  Don’t talk about me behind my back and most of all learn a little about my illness. I’ve been very tolerant of all the eye-rolling and smart remarks, but no more.  I have to look out for me because it’s obvious no one else is.  If you don’t like it I’m sorry, but know that if you were in my place you would do the same thing. 

What do I want to do with my life?  Hell I have absolutely no idea.  That’s pretty sad considering I’m 30 years old, but oh well I figure it will come to me at some point.  I mean I do have a few ideas.  It’s just -basically taking the time to focus on one and make it happen.  Oh yeah then I have to get my broken body and mind to cooperate.  Speaking of which, the pain has been insane for the last 3 weeks.  My mental clarity has been a little better since I quit taking the Neurontin.  I guess it’s basically back to what it was before I started any of the medications, which isn’t very good, but still better than what the Neurontin did to me.  It’s always one step forward and two steps back. Oh well living with any chronic illness isn’t easy and it’s never going to be so sometimes you just got to suck and up and keep moving forward.  I’m moving a lot slower than I want to, but I’m still moving forward and that’s all that matters.  I’ll figure out my life in time.  I may be 80, but I’ll figure it out.