We all have our secrets, whether they are about ourselves or someone else.  Some secrets are easy to blurt out while others are too dark to even say out loud.  I have a secret that only those close to me know about.  It’s something so painful and so dark that I can’t even write about it.  It doesn’t affect me as much as it used to, but it’s something I will never forget and something I wish never would have happened.  It changed my life.  It changed the way I think about things and it changed me before I was even old enough to know who I was.

Those of you who read my blog and are close to me know what I’m talking about it.  If you feel like you are close to me and you don’t know then maybe I just haven’t had the chance to tell you or I’m just not quite ready.  There may also be a reason I haven’t told you and in that case I ask that you just leave it alone.  This is definitely not something you shout from the rooftop and if someone very close to me found out it would kill them. They would feel like it was their fault and I don’t want that kind of burden put on anyone.

I think that’s my only real secret.  I mean occasionally I try to hide the Fibromyalgia for a while when I meet new people, but it always comes out rather quickly.  I’m a pretty open person except for that one thing.  I don’t like to keep secrets, but sometimes you have to in order to protect those you love.  A part of me will never be the same because of it and I don’t want to do that to someone else.  It would just make it that much worse.

How many secrets do you have?  Are they ones that you would never tell or are they the kind that are hard to keep to yourself?

I’ve had a wonderful Christmas and it’s not over yet for my family.  We’re getting together with my sister today and then my brother and his family on New Year’s Eve.  Everyone and their busy schedules makes it difficult for us to all get together at the same time, but at least we manage to at some point spend the holidays with all of the family.

Every year Christmas becomes more about work and stress rather than the reason we celebrate in the first place.  We all forget to relax and enjoy the real meaning of Christmas.  The cooking, cleaning, shopping and other preparations tend to make us dread the holidays rather than truly celebrate.  We look forward to it being over instead of wishing it would never end like we should.

It’s human nature I guess.  Even though it was a bit stressful cooking and over-exerting myself as I always do when it came down to opening presents with the family I felt like a little kid again.  It was such an awesome feeling and something that I needed more than anything with everything that has been going on. I had no worries and no stress for at least an hour.  Most of all even though most of my gifts were centered around the Fibro, for that hour I didn’t feel sick. I felt normal.  I felt happy.

I’m severely paying for all that now.  The pain is excruciating, but the handy dandy neck and shoulder massager my mom got me for Christmas really helps. I know that this is just another flare that I have to fight my way through.  Even though I want to give up, I know I can’t.  My goal for the New Year is to prove that I’m more than just a sick chick. I’m always going to have Fibromyalgia, but I’ll be damned if it’s ever going to have me.

I have finally accepted the fact that until I can make myself happy I cannot make someone else happy.  I have to live my life for me and not anyone else.  I have to focus on what I need to do to survive and stop worrying about finding someone who is going to love me and take care of me.  I need to learn to love and take care of myself or this misery I’m feeling now is never going to end.

I want him.  You know that one I talk about all the time. A part of me feels like I need him, but it’s just not right at the moment and I know it.  I can’t give him what he needs and he can’t give me what I need because I don’t even know what that is.  I don’t want to let go of him completely but I have to start focusing on my health and my career. I have to learn how to take care of myself.

This isn’t going to be easy, but I have to do it.  I can’t stay on this same path that I’ve been on all these years because it literally has gotten me nowhere.  It’s time people see what I’m really made of.  This is my new beginning and I know that I’m strong enough to do this.  It’s time for me to be…simply me.  I can’t hide behind anyone anymore.

I’m actually writing again and I’m not talking about just updating my blogs.  I’m actually doing the research and write thing again. I submitted my first article yesterday since May.  I didn’t realize it had been that long.  I used to write at least an article a day and then I just quit. 

It kind of seems that after I got my diagnoses everything really slowed down for me.  All my time and energy went into learning about my illness so that I could at least get a little better.  I finally felt like I had the power to control some aspects of the way I was feeling.  It’s been almost17 months since I got my diagnosis and I’ve learned that Fibromyalgia is a very ugly word that I’m not too fond of, but alas it’s a part of my already oh so crazy life.  I’m still learning to deal with it and accept it.  It’s definitely a long process.

I’m planning on making a big comeback as far as my writing is concerned.  I’m not going to stop doing what I’ve loved doing since I learned how to do it.  This is my life and my dream and I won’t let anyone or anything stand in my way of that.  It’s time for me take control of my situation and do something with my life.  It’s time for me to be brilliant =).

I never realized I would be going through this so soon after leaving my husband, but I am.  I wasn’t looking to fall in love with anyone, but I think that’s what’s happening.  The only reason I say that I think, is because I’m still in denial.  I know exactly what I’m feeling and it scares the hell out of me. 

It’s so different with him.  It’s like I keep waiting for him to get mad and he never does. It’s been a while and I still get this goofy grin every time I hear his name and especially every time he calls or texts.  He always seems to say the right things and so far he accepts that I’m sick.  I guess that’s the biggest thing.  That’s the one thing I worry about.  I don’t know if it got to a more serious point if he could actually handle my illness.  It’s one thing to hear about it, but to actually witness the effects of it is a totally different story.  I guess only time will tell with that. 

Life is so funny.  It always seems to go from one extreme to another.  It drives me crazy, but keeps me entertained at the same time.  I guess that’s the way it’s supposed to be.  I hope everyone has a great Wednesday.