It’s after 2 a.m. and I’m still awake.  I hate insomnia with a passion, but at least I’m not in excruciating pain too.  You always have to find the bright side to every bad situation or you’ll never get through them.  My body is used to staying awake because of the pain and now that I’ve gotten the pain under control my body is used to being up all night.  I got so used to the pain that it actually feels weird to be up and functioning instead of being in the usual fetal position.  It just shows how the body and mind are able to adapt to any situation…it’s all about survival. 

Simply surviving is by no means living, but at this point in my life it feels good.  There was a period of time when I didn’t think I was going to make it.  I’m not one to give up, but I couldn’t see the road ahead of me anymore and I freaked out.  All I could see was pain and misery and I didn’t want to live that way, but I couldn’t fix it.  I had been focusing on the impossible…fixing my body.  It wasn’t until I was able to accept being sick that I started to heal.  That’s when I realized that I could only do so much for my body, but I could fix my mind.  The stronger my mind got, the more pain I could handle.  I used to get mad when people would tell me that I just needed to use mind control to handle the pain.  I’ve got mind control down to an art now.  I guess I’ve always used mind control, but it wasn’t till the pain got really bad that I relied on it and found new ways to perfect it.  I still have a lot of growing and adapting to do, but for the first time I feel like I’m on the right path and I can see for miles in front of me.  I still fall down and I still cry, but I get right back up, I wipe away my tears and I keep on fighting.  Basically I do what I have to do to keep on living. 

I’m going to try the sleep thing again so I hope everyone has an awesome day/night.  Don’t forget to be brilliant!

How do you recover from being emotionally abused?  Does it ever get easier to trust?  I feel like I’m never going to be able to let my guard down and it’s ruining any chances I have of starting a relationship.  I catch myself being defensive and bitchy when there’s really no reason for it, but it’s because I don’t have the strength to get hurt again and I definitely don’t have the strength to be abused again.  So what do I normally do because of this?  I run like hell as soon as I get too close to someone.  I don’t even know if these guys are lying to me or not because in my head they have and that’s enough to make me run.  How sad is that?!  I can’t believe I’m even admitting this insanity but I know I’m not the only one going through this so I thought I would put my situation out there and see if anyone has an opinion on the subject.  It sucks and it’s lonely and I’m ready to move on.  It’s been almost 2 years and I thought that by now I would be farther along in my healing, but I still have that “I’m gonna get you before you get me” attitude and it has to stop or I’m going to be the crazy cat lady for sure.  Do I get any credit for knowing I’m a total mess?

Anyways I hope everyone is surviving this Monday.  Any and all advice is welcomed and don’t forget to be brilliant.

Realizing our potential is probably one of the hardest things to do in life.  We become our own biggest critics and while the world sees what we’re capable of, we can only see our failures.  I remember how many times I’ve failed, but I can’t remember how many times I’ve succeeded, because in my mind it wasn’t true success…it just wasn’t a big deal because it’s not the ultimate success I’ve dreamed of.  Instead of seeing these little successes as stepping stones to my ultimate success, I see them as just falling short of my dreams and goals in life.  I’m happy about it for a moment, but in the end I find myself disappointed.  I guess it’s just human nature to always want to achieve more…I think that’s what gives us the drive to achieve greatness, but it can also be what destroys everything if we’re not careful.

Here are some of my favorite quotes on recognizing our potential and achieving greatness.

“Our comfort zones can be our greatest enemy to our potential.” ~David Cottrell

“It’s the final steps of a journey that create an arrival.”  ~Sam Parker

“In this world there is always danger for those who are afraid of it.”  ~George Bernard Shaw

“Make it a bad moment, not a bad day.”  ~Katherine Mylius

“Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.”  ~Winston Churchill

“People often say that motivation doesn’t last.  Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”  ~Zig Ziglar

I hope everyone is having an awesome Sunday.  Don’t forget to be brilliant!

Can you see the frustration?!

I’m a writer who loves to write, but I’m also a writer who’s going through a phase of not wanting to write.  Oh the irony.  I’ve just been in this funk lately and I can’t seem to find the motivation to accomplish anything.  Deep down I want to write, but when I sit down with my laptop, pen and paper I can’t seem to make anything happen.  I was taught early on that if I had a bad case of writer’s block to just walk away from it for a while, so I took a mini-vacation and intentionally left my laptop at home.  I was hoping that missing it so much would make me go on a writing rampage when I got back.  I’ve been back since Friday and this is the most I have written.  I’m hoping things get better soon.

Life just has a way of getting in the way of your dreams, and I’ll be damn if it takes this one away.  I’ve had to give up a lot of dreams because of my illness and circumstances, but I won’t let this one go.  Writing is my life and it was the one thing that I still had when I had lost everything else.  I’m confident that things will get better and I will be back on a normal writing schedule, without this intense desire to throw my laptop out the window and run naked and screaming down the street.  If you’re getting mental pictures of that now, I do apologize, but that’s your own fault :-p.

I hope everyone is having an awesome day/night. Big hugs and lots of love and of course…don’t forget to be brilliant!