So here it is…the cold hard truth.  The irony is that the people this is addressed to will probably will never see this because they don’t care enough about me to be a true part of my world.  There are so many little things that would have meant the world to me, but they never tried until they needed something from me and by then it didn’t matter.

If you weren’t there for me when I needed you, then you don’t get to be here now.  If I sound like a bitch then so be it.  There were so many nights that I reached out to you, which was so hard for me to do, and you left me hanging.  I was in pain and in a dark place and you ignored me.  I loved those texts 3 days later that you sent to check on me.  What an awesome friend you are!  I could have been dead, but luckily I’m a lot stronger than I gave myself credit for.  The part that hurts is that I was always there for you. I always listened to you when you wanted to bitch about work or family issues or whatever.  Every time you texted or called I got right back to you. It wasn’t until I stopped responding that you started caring.  Then you started making an effort.  I have a huge heart so if you’ve pushed me to ignoring you then you have really hurt me and it’s going to take a lot more than a weak “I’m sorry” to fix it. 

I’ve changed so much over the last year because that’s what extreme pain does to you.  You either change the way you think and the things you do or you die.  I don’t want to die so I’m going to keep fighting.  Those of you who couldn’t be there for me when I was learning how to deal with the pain, don’t get to follow me into my new life because you weigh me down too much and I don’t have the strength to carry you anymore.  I always made you a priority and you always made me an option.  This is something you have to deal with now because I’m done.

I wish you all the very best and someday I may let you back in, but that’s going to be my choice not yours.  You’re power over me is gone.  This is my life and I’m going to live it to the fullest along with the people who have been there for me and didn’t hesitate to pick me up every time I fell.  I’m moving on now…I have to go be brilliant ;-).

All my life I have tried to please everyone around me at the expense of my happiness and well-being.  I tried to judge my happiness on the happiness of others and I thought I was happy, but the truth was I had no idea what being happy really felt like.  I was just going through these motions and I just kept hoping to make it out alive.  I let people walk all over me, because that was easier and took less energy than standing up for myself.

I woke up, I stood up and decided that everyone else needed to shut up and get the hell out of my way because it was my turn to live…my turn to be happy.  I’m pissing people off left and right, but I don’t care.  They can all kiss my ass, because I’ve been kissing their asses for way too long. I’m going to follow through with my dreams and I’m going to hold my head up high and show this world what this chick is made of. No more hiding behind my illnesses.  No more being ashamed of being sick.

I make mistakes like everyone else does and my mistakes are not any worse than everybody else’s so don’t try to make me feel like they are.  It’s only because I’ve always been the good one, the one who followed all the rules and the one who looked out for everyone else.  That was all cool until I realized no one was looking out for me.  So I’m done.  It’s all about me now.  Call me selfish, call me a bitch and yes you can even call me a whore.  It’s not going to hurt me because I know who I am and I know what I’m made of.  Maybe someday you’ll figure out who you are.