It’s one of those days again.  I thought I was doing good, but I’ve been hit by another flare.  My mouth, teeth, throat and left ear hurts.  I can’t see right out of my left eye and I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck and dragged a few 100 feet.  Other than that I guess I’m doing just fine!

Did I mention that I’m extremely cranky?  I wish I could just go sleep until this passes.  I’m so tired.  I’m tired of being sick and I’m just physically and emotionally tired.  This illness is so unpredictable.  I’ll wake up absolutely fine and an hour or two later I may be in excruciating pain.  It’s so frustrating!

I’ve said it before and even during flares I am still thankful I have Fibromyalgia.  I just have a feeling that I would be a selfish bitch if I wasn’t sick.  My illness has taught me a lot about compassion for other people and what they’re going through.  It’s taught me not to make a big deal over little problems and it’s taught me that I am a strong person even when I don’t feel like I am. 

Days like today I may say that I hate this shit and that I can’t take being sick anymore, but I know that days like this will pass.  I’m just going to try to rest and relax today and maybe tomorrow will be the day that I hoped for today.  

I think that in a perfect world a person with Fibromyalgia could control their symptoms  with ease.  I believe that stress is the biggest trigger of Fibromyalgia symptoms and if it wasn’t for stress I would have a lot more days with minimal pain.

Unfortunately as an adult you have to deal with a lot of shit.  (I do apologize for my unwillingness to censor my words today.)  There is always something that wants to wreak havoc on your life.  To all those who act like their lives are 100% perfect-who are you trying to fool?  Why do you try to make your life sound like a fairy tale when you know it’s a soap opera just like everyone else’s.  

We all are faced with stress and if you don’t have Fibromyalgia you can usually make it through a stressful situation without too many battle scars.  For those of us with Fibromyalgia it’s a little different.  Okay so maybe it’s a lot different.  Our bodies cannot handle physical or emotional stress…at all.  So basically those of us with Fibro have some really screwed up wiring. 

I got a little over ambitious one day and exercised a little more than I should have and actually started running a fever.  Not to mention there was a substantial increase in pain and all the other wonderful Fibro symptoms for about 2 days afterwards.  I’m not saying we shouldn’t exercise either.  Although I hate that word I will admit that’s it’s the best thing we can do to control this beast.  It’s just important not to overdo it. Yoga and Pilates are awesome and they definitely help with emotional stress.

As far as emotional stress goes I’ve dealt with the effects of that a million times.  I get to the point where I just shut down.  The bills are late, everyone needs me to do this and that, I’m in a flare again, the house is a mess and I don’t have the energy to do anything about it, and the list goes on and on.  It piles on until I can’t function anymore.  Sometimes it gets to the point where I just go to bed.  I love it when people tell me that I need to learn how to handle stressful situations better.  If my body wasn’t all jacked up then maybe I could. 

We’re never going to live in a perfect world without stress and all those other things that drive us crazy so it’s all about getting use to it and learning to deal with it in the best way we know how.  We all deal differently.  Some days I’m so tempted to run down the street naked and screaming, but I don’t think that would be good for anyone. 

Stress sucks, but if we didn’t have it how would we occupy our days?

It’s after midnight and I should be asleep, but I’m not.  The pain is almost unbearable.  I just want to take my entire rib cage out and hang it on the wall, so that maybe I can get some relief.  I think I have a pretty good idea of how it might feel to be hit in the ribs with a baseball bat.  It hurts to breathe…to move. I just need to sleep.  I have to wake up early and I really don’t have time for this.  I never have time for this, but it always seems to force its way into my life.  I can’t turn it off.  I can’t pretend it doesn’t exist.  I can’t escape from this monster called Fibromyalgia.

This is definitely a Fibro kind of day.  I have no energy and I feel like an elephant is sitting on me.  I’ve been trying to get some stuff done around the house, but it’s pointless.  I’m more than ready for bed, but I know that when I get there I won’t be able to sleep.  I hate days like this.  When you can’t do anything it gives you too much time to think and when you have too much time to think the day usually doesn’t end well. 

I know I’m suppose to get use to this new life with this freaking illness, but I can’t stop thinking about how things would be if I wasn’t sick.  What kind of job would I have?  Would I have kids?  Would I have written my first children’s book yet?  Would I be the person everyone wishes I were? These questions and more run through my head on a daily basis.

Another thing I wonder about is if my life would be any different if I was diagnosed 20  years ago.  I’m  a strong believer  in everything happening for a reason, but I still have to wonder.  If I could be blessed with a week of no symptoms that would be all I ever asked for.  I’ve had chronic pain since I was 10 years old, so it’s so hard for me to remember what it feels like not to be in pain.  I just want to remember.  I just want that one chance to be me without all these annoying symptoms slowing me down. 

Maybe someday they’ll find a cure for all this insanity.  Until then, I’m just me…with Fibromyalgia.

I have concluded that Neurontin plus Amitriptyline equals a very sleepy Tina.  This is driving me crazy.  There are so many things I need to do, but I can’t find the energy to do them.  At this point, I can’t even focus to write.  I guess the good thing is that the pain isn’t too bad right now, so at least the meds are working to some extent, but damn. 

I’m going to take a deep breath now and try to get the dishes done, so I can say I accomplished something for the day.  Hope everyone is having a good day!  Gentle hugs to all my Fibro friends!